Wednesday, 20 July 2011

A Letter to an Ex, from an Ex.

Dear Bastard Ex,

It's been about four months since we last had any contact, and nearly seven since you threw your closing statement across our darkened bedroom.

Those three words were taken straight from a film script. I still think you chose them without really knowing what they implied. Perhaps you didn't believe what I'd always maintained; that if you ever did something like that, I'd hot-foot it out of the relationship and never go back.

I'm no closer to understanding exactly what happened or why, and I don't suppose I ever will. But thanks to your lack of interruptions, it's getting harder to care. Friends and the optimistic part of my mind would tell me it was fear of rejection that has stopped you trying to make contact or amends. But getting back on my feet over the last seven months has meant accepting that you simply didn't have the feelings any more; no stirrings deep down that made you want to try. That's been the most difficult bit, I think. The switch from being your everything, in your own words a "best friend", to nothing at all.

Actually, it wouldn't have taken much for me to crack and give you another chance. Flowers, excuses, a reason why it - if there even was an "it" - happened, an "I still love you", an assurance it was all a huge mistake. I've never wanted to make something work more. But you made it impossible, and maybe that was the point.

The lies in those two short weeks were horrible, as were the feeble, guilt-ridden accusations that it was me with the problem. I still can't look through my travelling photos without seeing all our plans in the background and a horrible feeling about what came next.

You'll have forgotten this, but a few weeks before I left for Australia we went to a restaurant. The one where the portions were too big. Anyway, you looked at me and told me you were gutted that I was going away and added, "I wasn't expecting to fall for you". Again, as with "there's someone else", I'm not sure you understood the implications of what you were saying. To "fall for" someone means to fall in love, yet you couldn't bring yourself to say those particular words until a year later. Perhaps one day you'll find a girl who you really fall for in the true sense of the word. Perhaps one day I'll stop hoping that she breaks your heart and leaves you unable to eat, get out of bed, or function for days on end. More likely, you'll break her heart when you follow in the footsteps of your father. You won't admit it, but in doing this to me, you've already started to imitate him.

So here's where I'm at: Happy, moving on, life finally falling back together. Single and enjoying it. Occasionally wondering what happened next with you, but never wanting to actually know. Missing what we had, but knowing without a doubt that it had to end.

I'm afraid I can't wish you all the best yet, owing to the fact that I still like to imagine you crying into your coffee every morning when you wake up and I'm not there.

The important thing is that I know you probably don't, and that's alright.

And for now, that'll have to do.

- Your Ex


London-Lass said...

Yes, his duplicity stunk. Always amazes me how people can use certain phrases, or tell certain things to people, and yet not mean any of it. Nor realise how much of an impact certain words will have on the other person.

But, like you say (and quite rightly), who cares. You're in a good place. He's not worth a moment's thought.

nuttycow said...

A lovely letter Jo - I'm glad you're happy and life is going where you want it to go. I'm also glad you're in that place where you realise that, although he will always be a part of your past, he doesn't have to dictate your future.

Much love.

em said...

Oh Jo. What a great moment it must have been to realise that you were better off without him.
Missing someone, I think, is ok. Like you'd miss a mate if they suddenly went away. I hope he reads this site and I do hope that he knows how happy you are now.

My retarded ex got in touch a few weeks ago, almost 3 years after we split up, to tell me how sorry he was about his actions. He also sent me a FB friend request. I cant accept it (mostly because of my friends) but it was nice to know he still felt guilty.

Lpeg said...

I love this letter. It's heartbreaking and liberating at the same time. I'm glad you're happy and moving on. xx.

James said...

You're very self controlled to not get in touch. I think my relationship ended a month or two after yours, so it's interesting to compare and contrast.

Sounds like you've done all the right things, and pleased to read you're happy and looking forwards.

fwengebola said...

I'm still pining over my ex, after I dumped her 5 years ago, then went to visit her a year later so she could be dismissive and uninterested towards me, then tentatively build up a relationship of sorts over email until eventually I told her to go fuck herself when it became clear that she wasn't nearly as interested in me as she used to be or, indeed, as her ego was in my remaining attentive.
6 months ago, that was, and all I can do is wonder. Oh well.

Helen said...

This made me cry. You're ace. Nothing more to say than that xx

Ellie said...

And this is one dog you don't need to spend anymore time with or thought on. x

Anonymous said...

you are a brilliant woman!

i am incapable of writing something like this to my ex. i reach the second paragraph and start vomiting swear words.

but well done.

Redbookish said...

A measured & thoughtful post. More mature than I've ever managed to be.

I once thought out loud to my best friend about finding out what had happened to the Ex I Almost Married. I think I mentioned a private detective (drink had been taken). But he advised me strongly not to do it, and he was right.

It's hard, though, to face up to the fact that someone you've thought about a lot -- I mean, they become part of your life in a really fundamental way -- is then completely absent, and that they apparently don't miss you, r feel any loss.

Ellie Rose said...

I hate to be cliché comment person... but, you will be better for this experience. One step at a time. xxx

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Londonlass - Words are just words, really. And he backed them up with actions accordingly, which is where the shock came in when it all went tits up.

Nutty - Thanks, I'm happy without him. Which is the really important bit.

Em - Maybe one day I'll get that message, too. But I doubt it. You're right, nothing wrong with missing someone.

Lpeg - Thanks, it's nice to admit it in writing...

James - I take it you opted for contact as opposed to none? Different strokes, but I know doing things this way has worked out. It's impossible (for practical reasons sometimes) for some though.

Fwenge - Sometimes it's better to just wonder than actually seek out and ask.

Helen - No YOU'RE ACE.

Ellie - True. That.

Laura - I'm beyond swear words. I'm too baffled to get angry. Angry just made me angry. Does that even make sense?

Redbookish - Part of not wanting to know what he's doing is from being shit scared that I'll breakdown and have a complete crying fit and feel all sick about it. I can cope this way by not knowing. Cheating, really.

Ellie Rose - Step by step is how it goes...thanks :)

modelofamodernmajorgeneral said...

I thought and thought, and tried to come up with something insightful. And failed. Just goes to show that sometimes words aren't required, just a quick hug, a cuppa tea and cracking on with life.

(or it shows that I'm less eloquent than I thought I was!)

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Indeed. There's a lot to be said for just getting on with things (and the occasional bout of tears)


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