Tuesday, 25 January 2011

How To Make Your Girlfriend Paranoid in 10 Easy-to-Follow Steps

1) Pick your moment. Ideally, you should schedule your odd behaviour to start after she has spent an evening telling a friend how wonderful you are, or in Those Days Of The Month when she is at her most neurotic. Sod it, go for both.

2) Begin odd behaviour. Act pre-occupied, perhaps remain in a bad mood for the course of an evening without any explanation. Give girlfriend reluctant hugs. Generally steer clear of giving her too much attention.

3) Throw in some mixed signals. Cook dinner, bring it through to her in the living room, supply her with a glass of wine. Intersperse these Nice Things with Odd Behaviour for maximum head messin'.

4) When she asks what's wrong, remain ambiguous. Insist that it's not her, you're just having a bad week, or feeling strange today. Crucially, mention the words "just need space sometimes".

5) Maintain space by cuddling up to her in bed.

6) Go back on selfless decision to accompany girlfriend to the cinema to watch her favourite film on Wednesday. Insist she wanted you to go drinking with friends for Australia Day instead. Important: make her feel like she is Being A Right Royal Pain In The Arse.

7) Later, when told point blank "You are making me very insecure. Has something happened, is it me?" by a now exasperated girlfriend, be sure to reply "No, nothings happened. No, it's not you."

8) Leave a few seconds before adding, "At least, I don't think it's you".

9) Do Nice Things again. Bring duvet to the sofa. Make and bring girlfriend whisky and ginger ale. Put on a film. 

10) Lie back and watch as your girlfriend evolves from rounded, secure individual into worrisome wobbler in a matter of days.

Mission accomplished, revert back to normal.


nuttycow said...

Men. Weird eh.

jman said...

Stop overanalysing. We all have moods and inconsistencies. If and when he is ready to talk about whatever is bothering him (and chances are excellent it has nothing to do with you) he will. Or maybe he never will. Take a deep breath. Relax. He loves you.

Soupy said...

Again, you are me and I am you.

I don't understand them either.

Anonymous said...

well you did break his glass thingummy

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

nutty - Summed up nicely in three words there. Precisely.

jman - I know I know, deep down I suspect it's just the 'readjustment' period that all couples go through when they start living together. Right?



Soup - They lure you in, make you feel all happy n' that, then POW. Hit ya with a curve ball. To quote Ron Burgundy, I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTTTIOOONNNNNNNNN.

Anon - That comment is priceless :-D Love it.

miss*H said...

Men! And they say that we are the confusing ones! There is nothing more confusing than when a man acts out of character and says that there is nothing wrong. I swear they get some kind of male pre-menstral thing once a month

fwengebola said...

I find this sexist, and offensive.
Oh fuck it, of course I don't.

Charlotte said...

Boys are wierd. That pretty much sums it up... try not to worry, give it a few days/week.. and eventually he should just return to 'normal' - mine does.

Ellie Rose said...

I used to go out with one of these... turns out he was gay... ooooops! you live and learn xxx


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