The best way to describe my life at the moment is treading water.
Flailing and floundering in an ungraceful manner best suited to a perplexed walrus. See? Even all the good metaphors have drifted off.
My job has stalled. A gathering disinterest has settled over my team. I feel wasted. Like all the training I've done and put on my CV has gathered dust in the months since it was first learnt. Nothing new is starting. There are no projects, just a continued routine maintenance until the next lot take over. My days are spent sitting at my desk eating Wasabi peas and waiting for the sun to come up in Sandiego. Then I live vicariosly through the pandas.
Since the weekend, this impatience with work has been accompanied by the growing sadness which, after moping for a few days, I realised probably relates to Doing The Right Thing. It's been four months since my life's biggest crash to date, yet the problem with cutting someone out of your life entirely is that after a while, the contentedness you feel seems a bit false.
Most ex-couples don't do this. They cling, they text, they maintain some semblence of contact. Or there are mutual friends to drop hints of your ex's continued existence into conversation; a photo that slips into your online stream. At some point, you have to hear things you don't want to hear, or see things you'd rather not.
Last time, there was nothing, then very sporadic, heartbreaking contact. This time, there has just been nothing.I have no idea what he's doing. Where he lives. If he thinks about me. Whether he cares. Absolutely nothing. Nada. Zippo. I know that's how it will continue to be.
To cut someone out of your life and pretend they don't matter is a bit of a crap long term strategy. You're plastering over a crack that could swallow you up if you happened to see them in the street or get a text message three years down the line. Worse still, there's that strange dull ache stemming from nothing - like when someone dies. There's been no wind down, no gradual acceptance of lives moving on. Just a short, snap and finish. A lasting void.
Short term, it means you can cope.
Long term, I have a feeling it just leaves you with more questions.