Thursday, 19 May 2011

This post is bloody depressing. I'd advise you not to read it.

The best way to describe my life at the moment is treading water.

Flailing and floundering in an ungraceful manner best suited to a perplexed walrus. See? Even all the good metaphors have drifted off.

My job has stalled. A gathering disinterest has settled over my team. I feel wasted. Like all the training I've done and put on my CV has gathered dust in the months since it was first learnt. Nothing new is starting. There are no projects, just a continued routine maintenance until the next lot take over. My days are spent sitting at my desk eating Wasabi peas and waiting for the sun to come up in Sandiego. Then I live vicariosly through the pandas.

Since the weekend, this impatience with work has been accompanied by the growing sadness which, after moping for a few days, I realised probably relates to Doing The Right Thing. It's been four months since my life's biggest crash to date, yet the problem with cutting someone out of your life entirely is that after a while, the contentedness you feel seems a bit false.

Most ex-couples don't do this. They cling, they text, they maintain some semblence of contact. Or there are mutual friends to drop hints of your ex's continued existence into conversation; a photo that slips into your online stream. At some point, you have to hear things you don't want to hear, or see things you'd rather not.

Last time, there was nothing, then very sporadic, heartbreaking contact. This time, there has just been nothing.I have no idea what he's doing. Where he lives. If he thinks about me. Whether he cares. Absolutely nothing. Nada. Zippo. I know that's how it will continue to be.

To cut someone out of your life and pretend they don't matter is a bit of a crap long term strategy. You're plastering over a crack that could swallow you up if you happened to see them in the street or get a text message three years down the line. Worse still, there's that strange dull ache stemming from nothing - like when someone dies. There's been no wind down, no gradual acceptance of lives moving on. Just a short, snap and finish. A lasting void.

Short term, it means you can cope.

Long term, I have a feeling it just leaves you with more questions.


Ruby Tuesday said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. It's three months since my break up, and I'm finding the 'stages of grief' thing really comforting - it implies that we'll feel better one day! If it helps, it sounds like you might be at stage four - 'depression, reflection and loneliness' - which is followed by the very positive sounding 'upward curve'. So wait it out... things can only get better.

Sarah said...

It won't always swallow you whole. That's both a good and a bad thing.

Jilly said...

I know how you feel. My ex lives abroad (he's from here, I used to live there, long story). We cut off Facebook and all that a while ago as he wasn't dealing with things (although he initiated the break up . . .) and I've only kept contact with mutual friends who are important to me. We don't talk, or text, or email and when we have to be in contact (owned a house together) it's all very distant. In all fairness you will find this distance is a good thing in time. It will help you move on and recover and find out what you really want and who you really are without the constant reminders of someone who is part of your past not your future (or even present). Good luck and chin up.

Leigh said...

I did both in my break-up, we kept up contact for about a month and half because he was doing me some favours and I just wasn’t very good at not talking to him. The problem was that it didn’t feel like we’d even broke up, we still spoke every day and we were never a lovey dovey, soppy couple so nothing was any different in the way we spoke to each other. It all came to head when I freaked out at a wedding fayre I was exhibiting cakes at and called him to come and give me moral support. I had a major meltdown that night, totally falling apart as if we’d broken up all over again and I haven’t spoken to him since then (beginning of December) and he stopped trying at the end of January.

I hear the odd snippet about how he’s doing jobwise (and even that messes with my head) but I haven’t got a clue how he’s doing personally and every time I go to the cinema or for a night out in his hometown I have a sick feeling worrying about seeing him with someone else. I just know it would tear me apart and I’d have to run away – probably literally knowing me.

Every break-up is so different and we never know what’s going to help us cope with each one until we try it. With previous break-ups cutting all contact has always worked for me, it’s meant I’ve coped and I’ve moved on. This time it doesn’t feel like it’s working. Like you say, it all just feels a bit false.

(Sorry for length of waffle)

Anonymous said...

It will right'll pop right out the other side soon xx

Miss Milk said...

I disagree. Long term, this will look like the best decision you ever made.

London-Lass said...

Sounds horrid - having no closure is the worst of the worst, but eventually those questions will stop whirling around.

Ella Ivey said...

I'm sorry that you're so sad - but I completely understand what it's like when you cut someone out of your life so suddenly. You're right. It really is a crappy long-term strategy because I think everyone needs to gradually accept the change. To suddenly remove someone from your life causes more harm than good. My ex doesn't want to talk to me because he has this rule about not talking to exes, despite the fact that we could have been really good friends and we didn't end it on bad terms. It's annoying and hurtful - but with time, it will get better :)

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Ruby Tuesday - All hail the upward curve. Strange thing is I'm busy socially, so not particularly lonely, just occasionally have these bouts of...well...missing him, I suppose. As much as I really, really don't want to. Because he is a bastard.

Sarah - True. You'll always come out stronger on the otherside. It's just painful in the meantime.

Jilly - I've always found that no contact is an amazing way to get through a break up, but I suppose I've always been used to some degree of contact, or knowledge, or something. I'm finding a blanket "nothing at all" quite strange, although I know it's for the best.

Leigh - I had a similar thing with my Uni Ex. We didn't see each other for months after we broke up, but gradually resumed contact and sporadic meetings with mutual friends. Every time I saw him I crashed all over again, but in a way it spured me to move on. In the end, we both found new boyf / girlf's at a similar time, so it didn't leave me reeling as I'd moved on.

PJB - I hope so :(

Miss Milk - In the meantime, it just feels a bit alien. All that time with someone for it to lead to nothing. Weird.

London lass - Or hopefully they'll cease to matter. Either would be good.

Ella - I have a rule about not speaking to exes. I always told my ex that "if" we broke up, that would be it. No going back. I don't think he ever took me too seriously until it happened.


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