"This is a breakfast check. Have you eaten?" began my good friend PiB, not twenty minutes after our last conversation.
"Two pieces of toast."
"Good. I'll call you for a lunch check later. Then pilates, then we're going out for dinner. You don't have a choice."
"Ok, I'm eating, I'm eating."
"You'll be alright, Jo. You got through it last time and you'll do it again."
As far as pre-9am pep-talks go, this morning's was much needed. Despite having a solid 7 hours sleep, it had only taken two minutes for my mind to wake up and remember the night before. My racing head joined a food-starved body, and I couldn't get myself out of bed. It felt like too much effort.
I'd arrived at the flat straight after work to find him in the living room. We said hello. It was marginally awkward. After pottering in the kitchen eventually I joined him, switched off the TV and we started to talk.
Things are never as clear cut as they seem. I'd love to tell you that I stormed in, told him "That's it! We're over!", collected his belongings into a bin bag and hurled him out the door. But I didn't. I gave a huge amount of consideration to his suggestion that we try to work things out. I tried to see a way that we could work through this baffling, sudden phase he thinks he's going through.
Perhaps earlier in the week, I could have accepted his head being turned to this Someone Else; the thirty year old woman he met through work. The one he says he now doesn't - couldn't - intend to start anything with. The one he had met up with in a pub while I was out, to talk about how although they liked each other nothing could happen between them, right before he came home and accused me of being in a mood with him - for going out with his mates. "What's wrong? What have I done?" he'd said, and all the while I'd sat there, cogs turning, thinking "What mates does he have in Finsbury Park?"
I wanted to find a way that we could work through it. The timescale of the whole episode - a mere ten days from perfect to not - weighed on our minds. This wasn't a relationship in slow decline. It was a relationship embarking on something that we'd both wanted for a long time. Neither of us understood what happened.
But it came down to a simple fact: he'd lied to me. He, by his own admission, was stupid. He fucked up. And his head is a confusing mess. I couldn't take the risk that two months down the line, he'd make a definitive decision that it was "us" that was the problem, thus causing me to crash, hurt and shudder to a halt like this all over again.
So it's ended.
I'm not so angry any more. Just really, really sad.
19 comments:
I'm so sorry Jo.
I hope you'll be alright. Good to see you have friends checking in on you.
Well done.
You'll get through this, and I've no doubt it'll be shitty along the way, but you've got people who'll provide hugs and cups of tea.
You know where we all are.
M
The sun is still going to come up tomorrow (well being London, perhaps this is less reassuring than might otherwise be the case), there are still lots of good things in your life even if there is a hole in it at present. WHat seems ironic is that all the time you were traveling, he was always true. And now as you are moving in together, he does this? WWFS (what would freud say?) But as a character in a movie (oops film!) once said, "The First Fidelity Trust Bank is an unforgiving lender. When you overdraw your account, it shuts the door behind you." Keep trying to maintain perspective and when that fails tea and biscuits might do it. Sending lots of positive waves.
These posts are killer to read. Worse to live through, I'm sure, but I feel for you, Jo. It might be a while until you feel normal again. Keep writing.
Brave.
Some months on, you will look back and say "phew".
x
I agree with everyone else, but particularly with Huw. This is a very brave thing to have done - It must have taken a lot of strength to think rationally.
And Huw is right, in time you'll look back on it and be relieved.
Between now and then, we will listen x
I'm sorry.. I know all too well the feelings you are going through.
You are allowed to be sad..
xx
So sorry Jo. Keep eating. And thank goodness for good mates :)
Seems like the right decision. The trust has been broken and you'd always be looking out for the next lie or story that didn't add up. That'd be a right head-fuck.
Twenty six, single, living in one of the most interesting cities on the planet. Plenty of good days ahead Jo.
And PiB's a star.
You are very brave, really. Gosh, I'm admiring your strength. Pity it comes with such sadness. Good luck & best wishes (oh, anything I write seems fatuous).
Thank goodness for good friends checking you are okay.
I've no doubt that was a very difficult decision to make, and whilst there will be terribly upsetting days to come in the future, each day will be less and less painful.
xx
Robbie - Thanks, my friends are keeping me going.
modelofa - Thanks as well, it will be very shitty and this is just the start, but hopefully the worst is over (wishful thinking)
jman - The irony of that hasn't escaped me, it was the thing that we kept going back to the other night. He wanted to work things through based on the amazing times we've had, but for me that wasn't enough. Freud would definitely have his work cut out with this one.
Unbearable - It's a killer. Writing helps to put things into perspective though.
Huw - I'm clinging onto that comment. I hope so. It feels brave and stupid and horrible. But hopefully the right thing to do.
soup - Believe me, there was nothing I wanted more than to give us another chance. It killed me to know and say I couldn't.
Charlotte - Thanks x
Londonlass - Good mates are essential.
Benders Better - That's it, I didn't want to be a horrible paranoid girlfriend. And the PiB, she is a star.
Redbookish - It doesn't feel very brave, it feels shit, but maybe I'll see it like that later.
Perp - Day by day it will get easier, that's the way it goes.
jo, i'm so very sorry that its over and for the pain you're going through. You're brave for not going with the easier option but like so many have commented before me, you'll get through this with time, perspective, good friends and knowing that you deserved a hell lot more than he could give.
You're allowed to be sad but as someone who has been through her fair share of heartaches, you'll begin to feel that ache less and less.
mind your wee soul pet x
I concur with the above. You are incredibly brave. I wasn't brave enough to walk away from my last relationship when the trust got broken. I endured paranoia, mistrust and so much heartache for the 18 months following the 'incident'. I wish I'd been as strong as you and just gone with my instinct x
Ouch...
But on the plus side, good riddance to bad rubbish….
You deserve better than this and are taking the right steps, even if it hurts like hell now….
Total shitty sinking feeling reading all this. I also feel like a total shitty voyeur for checking so regularly to see what news, what progress but don't stop. Writing, brave, yes. Braver, more impressive - your decision to be done: I couldn't take the risk that two months down the line, he'd make a definitive decision that it was "us" that was the problem, thus causing me to crash, hurt and shudder to a halt like this all over again.
All the usual hang in there noises. You've got this I-know-what's-good-for-me survivor thing going. Awkward pat pat hug from far far away.
I've only been reading your blog for a couple of weeks, and I've never commented before but I just wanted to tell you I think you're being really brave and to hang in there! (with copious amounts of ice cream if needed!) Even though I don't really know you and you don't know me at all I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and I hope the hurt eases for you as quickly as possible. Many internet hugs xx
It's a thing, isn't it? It's instinct and survival and you have to decide what is best for you and your survival and then you have to deal with the consequences of that decision, and no-one *no-one* but you can tell you what's best because it's all down to that instinct thing again.
You have to do what is right for you. And you should trust your instinct because it's part of your survival mechanism.
I made different choices, but my survival instinct told me I couldn't cope without her.
I'm sure what you've done is right for you and you should be supported by that. It can't have been easy though. I have admiration for anyone who makes the same decision, no matter what the outcome of that decision is. It's tough, sometimes, making choices.
xx
OMFG .. this post says exactly what I've not been able to say on mine .. it mirrors it almost exactly. Every day will and is a battle .. but a battle that will be won!
{{hugs}} x
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