And then we talked.

"I'm not going to sweeten it for you - last year completely shattered me."

We sat in armchairs at the back of an otherwise empty pub, save for a couple of regulars at the bar. Him, a pint of beer. Me, "better make it a stiff G&T, please". Low music filled in the gaps when we just sat there, looking at each other with something amounting to disbelief that we'd both just met, having moved two roads away from each other.

"No, I know. I deserve it. I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. I still don't. I just got freaked out."

There was no anger, no shouting, no resentment. That's the thing about cutting off all contact with someone entirely for so long; you've already been through all the emotions.

Over the last year, I'd often wondered aloud and on this blog when the pay-off would be. Friends often congratulated me on being able to pretend he didn't exist, but there was always a nagging doubt in my mind: what was the point if he does exist, yet you never really got any answers?

Now, I realise cutting off all contact means you can sit there and talk eighteen months later, and when the time comes, you want to talk. Not because you want them back or because you're aching for someone, but because you're alright now. And when you're alright, it means the talk isn't peppered with digs, asides, tears and hurtful words fuelled by shock and rage.

Cutting off contact gives you self-worth, confidence and the ability to get on with your life - you put your efforts back into being you again, and concentrate on making solid friends instead of amends with someone who was the opposite.

What it doesn't give you is the knowledge of what was real (something flicking in his brain, like a switch) and what wasn't (anything of substance with another girl, him not wanting to contact me, him dancing on a cloud of glee somewhere, etc).

We left the pub after a couple of drinks and circled around the block. We passed by my flat and his, remembering travel stories and swapping tips about the area in between the relationship chat.

"Did you ever feel..." he began, as we neared the top of my road.
"Like I wanted to beat the absolute shit out of you? Yes."
"Er, I was going to say...the opposite. Like, did you ever feel like you wanted to chase and try and sort things?"
"If things had been different, I would have tried. If you'd come in all apologies and wanting to work things out and making a huge effort, then I probably would have done. But you weren't "there", and I couldn't risk it. I would have been jealous and couldn't have trusted you."
"I thought about doing that. But my head just wasn't there."

We stopped near my flat and stood opposite each other.

"It's been good to see you."
"Same."
"Do we...stay in contact? Or would that be weird?" he ventured.
"I wouldn't mind staying in touch. But it could be weird. I don't know."

Then we hugged, a huge long hug that lasted minutes rather than seconds, and I felt tears about to slip for the first time all evening.

"Ok. Right. I'm going to go now. See ya later."

And with that, I walked into my flat.