Monday, 18 June 2012

It is what it is.

My first date in nearly a year was with my Ex.

It wasn't labelled as a date, it didn't feel like a date, but it did have all the markings of a date.

The stipulated meeting time, the location, the choice to take our seats in the empty back row (although, ostensibly, this was to avoid the reams of children at the front).

But it wasn't a date, because there was no crafty hand holding, no kissing, no making excuses to touch. No small talk. Just conversation until the film started then silence punctuated by in-jokes; then the rest of the day spent wandering fairly aimlessly around London.

A week later, we did it again.

And now I think - how much do I try and explain it to you? The news that he's back in touch is something kept between me and a select few friends; the ones that don't judge my decision to meet him and sit and listen, and get him out of the house on the bad days.

My decision to keep it quiet doesn't come from being worried about reactions, the well-meaning but wholly unnecessary warnings to be careful, but more because it seems the right thing to do, in much the same way that I felt cutting off all contact for months was the right thing to do, too.

How can I expect anyone else to understand that, far from leaving me bewildered and confused, it's actually nice to sit and chat about things I haven't been able to think - let alone talk - about in over 18 months? Travelling stories, the little moments I had to forget because they involved him, the moving out, our flat, the jokes, the people we met - good times that were amazing until it all went wrong in the space of a week.

And, of course, to hear and try to understand the reason why.

"I just want to feel normal again." he said, as we sat in my living room on separate sofas last night, "But sometimes I think it's karma."
"Karma for what?" I replied.
"For what happened with us."
"Nah. I don't think it's karma. It is what it is."

And for now, that's just how it goes.

10 comments:

thechickenshop said...

I think as long as you're ok with it, and also to a point him, then it matters not what you do.
If it's something that you want to do and like doing then keep doing it, until such a time that things start to change and then you'll know if it is or if it isn't something else.

Dominic said...

Whatever works for you

James said...

Gosh! How interesting.

My Ex and I split up at a similar time, yet despite once not being in touch for a month, we've been in touch almost daily ever since. Though because we live at other sides of the country we've only met up the once. I'm really not sure how it would be if we didn't have the distance between us. Or if we'd have done it the way you have.

I don't really have any advice... And it doesn't sound like you want any. But blimey... really good blog material. Keep it up!

je_suis_Hannah said...

If it's working for you both as it is now then bugger what anyone else thinks. Sometimes it's possible to stay friends with an ex, sometimes things can develop again and sometimes it's just nbice to enjoy it as it is now, with no labels or expectations.

Robbie said...

I don't like being the type of person that repeats themselves, but pretty please be careful. With cherries on top.

Foodycat said...

When I broke up with my ex I didn't see him for a year, because it was too painful. Then it stopped being painful. And we've been married for 6 years now. So be careful for many reasons!

Mud said...

If it works for you, that's what matters. But make sure there's rom for someone else in your life as well (speaking from experience - and as an Old Maid!)

1FightingIrish said...

I'm a believer that relationships and break ups are quite similar in that there are no hard and fast rules.

I always find that the people who always seem the most happy are the ones that do not worry about what they 'should' be doing and instead focus on doing what actually works for them. It is all too easy to fall into a pattern defined by other peoples expectations & sensibilities rather than doing what is best for you, as wrong as that course of action may be for other people.

Ellie said...

It's all about your comfort level. No need to explain to anyone. Hugs.

London-Lass said...

As someone said above "whatever works for you". Can understand you wanting to keep it to yourself - you need to sort it out in your own head/mind first before `going public' as it were.

But, no need to get all hot & heavy anyway - someone is back in your life who you knew/know well who is suffering/has suffered from depression. My dad has suffered from this all his life and I still cant stomach his behaviour sometimes (and, if truth be told, neither can he I reckon).

No further explanations required (again, as someone said above).

 

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