Dear Bastard Ex,
It's been about four months since we last had any contact, and nearly seven since you threw your closing statement across our darkened bedroom.
Those three words were taken straight from a film script. I still think you chose them without really knowing what they implied. Perhaps you didn't believe what I'd always maintained; that if you ever did something like that, I'd hot-foot it out of the relationship and never go back.
I'm no closer to understanding exactly what happened or why, and I don't suppose I ever will. But thanks to your lack of interruptions, it's getting harder to care. Friends and the optimistic part of my mind would tell me it was fear of rejection that has stopped you trying to make contact or amends. But getting back on my feet over the last seven months has meant accepting that you simply didn't have the feelings any more; no stirrings deep down that made you want to try. That's been the most difficult bit, I think. The switch from being your everything, in your own words a "best friend", to nothing at all.
Actually, it wouldn't have taken much for me to crack and give you another chance. Flowers, excuses, a reason why it - if there even was an "it" - happened, an "I still love you", an assurance it was all a huge mistake. I've never wanted to make something work more. But you made it impossible, and maybe that was the point.
The lies in those two short weeks were horrible, as were the feeble, guilt-ridden accusations that it was me with the problem. I still can't look through my travelling photos without seeing all our plans in the background and a horrible feeling about what came next.
You'll have forgotten this, but a few weeks before I left for Australia we went to a restaurant. The one where the portions were too big. Anyway, you looked at me and told me you were gutted that I was going away and added, "I wasn't expecting to fall for you". Again, as with "there's someone else", I'm not sure you understood the implications of what you were saying. To "fall for" someone means to fall in love, yet you couldn't bring yourself to say those particular words until a year later. Perhaps one day you'll find a girl who you really fall for in the true sense of the word. Perhaps one day I'll stop hoping that she breaks your heart and leaves you unable to eat, get out of bed, or function for days on end. More likely, you'll break her heart when you follow in the footsteps of your father. You won't admit it, but in doing this to me, you've already started to imitate him.
So here's where I'm at: Happy, moving on, life finally falling back together. Single and enjoying it. Occasionally wondering what happened next with you, but never wanting to actually know. Missing what we had, but knowing without a doubt that it had to end.
I'm afraid I can't wish you all the best yet, owing to the fact that I still like to imagine you crying into your coffee every morning when you wake up and I'm not there.
The important thing is that I know you probably don't, and that's alright.
And for now, that'll have to do.
- Your Ex