Monday, 31 January 2011


I've been trying to write.

When I write things down, they make sense. But whenever I try to write about the details, the bits that make me feel sick, the things I found out yesterday at 4am, I end up throwing something across the room.

To save my laptop from the same fate as my diary and pen, I'm going to keep this practical. These are the only details I can cope with writing about at the moment.

My family are on holiday. They organised getting me out of the flat from the side of a ski slope in Meribel yesterday morning. A close neighbour then drove to central London and picked me up. She didn't so much as wrinkle her nose when my migraine filled head threw up into a plastic bag as I sat in the passenger seat. I was working this weekend. The Neighbour took me to work, waited outside, then drove me home.

I slept.

Another good friend, my PiB, the one who was there for me last time and there for me again, drove across London and took me back to her family's house. They force fed me roast dinner, pulled out the sofa bed in their living room and invited me to stay for as long as I needed.

I left late this morning and on the way home, the tears started. Today has not been a good day. I have cried until breathing got hard, thrown things, lay staring at the wall, wondered aimlessly around my empty house. I am angry. Very, very angry.

The rent goes out in a few days. I don't intend to pay for him to live there. I have a problem to solve. So for now I'm using this small, tearless window of my day to be practical. I want him out.


jman said...

Sounds like a plan! Why not tell him that? If he has even a shred of decency he will leave forthwith. Is his name on the lease? If not, then perhaps you should simply remove his stuff (now aren't you glad you broke that glass thing however inadvertently) and change the locks. Rooting for Jo on Fire.

nuttycow said...

Have you spoken to him since? Jman's questions all the right ones - is he on the lease? Can you afford the rent on your own? Do you want to live in that place on your own? How long is your breakclause if you want out?

Practicalities are the way forward at the moment.


Bender's Better Brother said...

Jo, sorry to hear about your recent bundle of shite.
I'm sure your head's ringing with the (expected) comments of others so I'll try not to duplicate them.

It's natural (I tried to type "de rigeur" but my spell-checker wouldn't play, bastard) to be introspective at times like this. Don't. You know you haven't done anything wrong.
He's a grown man with a brain (perhaps not so obvious right now) so should have been able to work out what he did or didn't want and communicating that.
Don't waste time on wondering what he's doing, where he is or replaying every moment. It's so tempting to torture yourself, without any benefit, at the minute. If your mind does stray make sure you have an appropriate image close at hand to conjure up, something like you TASERing his nads.
Be grateful you found out now rather than later. One more ass-hole eliminated.

em said...

If you can't afford the rent then you need to speak to your letting agent now. When i left the flat with the ex i got stung by a 2month notice period. I thought I could just phone up the agency and transfer the rent. Do it now. call them and find out. If you have to pay then ask him for your half. If he has any nice bone in his body he will transfer you the cash for your half of the rent back. (mine didn't though)
Friends and family are the people to be around now - they're the people who will hug you, just because. Its good - you sound like you have them.

Jilly said...

Well done for being able to think so practically at an early stage. Sort everything out now, don't let this drag on (only a chance for him to play with your emotions in my experience).
On a side note: get angry. Very angry. Probably the only time in life when this is a healthy feeling. Talk to as many people as possible, talk til you are blue in the face and bored of the subject. Something I also found helped me (weirdly) was watching mindless tv for a few hours, switches the brain off, lets your mind process what has happened xx

fwengebola said...

Christ, he hasn't even moved out? Why haven't you booted him out?? I think you need to get that sorted, do what Em says re: rent, and then get go out and pissed.
Shortterm though. You don't want to be doing that every night.

Anonymous said...

I seem to be the only one asking this... And I'm sorry if it's the wrong question but... Is it definitely over?

I'm sure you don't want to go into the details, and I'm probably just being nosy asking, but is he not even attempting to apologise/grovel/deal with it??? Like, BOOM, "I'm a twat and that's that"?

HE should be the one sorting out the flat, and working out how much he owes you to move out.

Please say he's at least apologised and acknowledged what an arse he's been/is being??

Still, well done for getting out of there. I'm so sorry this has happened...

Charlotte said...

I echo the thoughts of the above people.

Talk to the landlord/letting agent - if you cry while you explain the situation you may get out of the lease?

Can you afford to stay there by yourself? If so - kick him out - he's the one that's done the shitty thing so he can fck right off..

Also good advice for the moment is take each day one at a time so you don't feel as overwhelmed.


Miss Milk said...


The Unbearable Banishment said...

Listen to me. He'll be back. At least I think he will. Don't even *think* of taking him back. Let the healing begin. No delays and no steps back to square one. Take it from me.

Anonymous said...

Be strong lovely. I read your blog and you are astonishingly honest and accomplished. You will be ok although it's shit now. When I feel like this I just keep repeating'this will pass, this will pass' and one day it has. Horrible as it happens though. I'm sorry he turned out to be such a shit x

Redbookish said...

Like others, I only "know" you from reading your blog over the last few months. But I'm impressed that you can string sentences together let alone write them, given the situation. And so pleased to see you looking after yourself, at least in a financial way.

As someone else says here, get angry and use that anger. I cannot fathom what goes on in someone's mind to do the whole moving in thing in a state of such uncertainty & infidelity, but that's his problem. Although I once went out with a bloke who right up to the moment of his wedding -- not to me of course -- hoped something would just happen to stop it -- men! Go figure! A lot of them find ways to avoid growing up, thinking we'll do it for them.

Unfortunately, at the moment, it feels like your problem as well. I wish there were a pill we could take to make us stop feeling for someone, but there isn't. In a similar situation to yours (but a time ago) I found marshmallows and Sue Grafton's crime novels a drug of kinds ...

Kittie Flyn said...

Oh dear Jo, having been there I know there are no words that can comfort.

Lean on your family and friends and use your blog and other creative outlets to work through your feelings.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I echo the advice re the flat and the rent. Get the things in order that you can get in order - your head is a little way off and you know that so let it be a way off and deal with the things that you can.

I recall you saying that neither of you would be able to afford the rent if one of you lost your job (around the uncertainty about his job) so you must tackle this head on.

Speak to your agent and be honest about what has happened. Despite what people say about agents and landlords, they are people too. The Mechanic recently had to move out of his flat as he couldn't afford it when ill health meant he had to leave his job. He called his landlord and explained that he's on incapacity benefit and simply cannot pay. His landlord could have made him stay a further two months, but given the circumstances and the fact that the flat would be re-let very quickly (the rental market is still moving incredibly fast), she just told him they could terminate the contract at the end of that month.

As for you and him. I get the impression from the way you worded it in your last post (or, rather, the way he worded it), that this isn't just a one-night stand. From what you said, he didn't say he had screwed up or made a mistake and asked for forgiveness. He talked about another person not a random fumble. Cheating of any kind is unforgiveable, but when it's more than a shag and it sounds like he's been carrying on in another relationship almost, it's an even deeper punch in the gut.

Get him out. Absolutely get him out as quick as you can.

Blonde said...

Lovely, I don't know what to say that's not already been said. It sounds like you're being admirably practical, which is amazing - and useful.

I've got nothing constructive to add, but thinking of you. xxx

Brennig said...

I have nothing practical to give you other than an offer of help if you need it.

Fen said...

My ex did something similar to me, only I'd purchased a house. He was meant to contribute towards the mortgage, but luckily it was all in my name. Do what you have to do, be ruthless if you need to be, but most of all look out for yourself. And take care xo


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