Saturday, 2 May 2009

Good morning, you cow

It's half 10 in the morning, I've just got in from my night out. I haven't even got changed yet. I just rolled on in, opened up my laptop and here we are.

Hello, good morning.

Now, I like to think of myself as quite a polite girl; I mean sure sometimes we all slip up and when I do, like if I'm rude, I usually get this strange feeling in my stomach that tells me "you were rude". I don't enjoy being rude to people. I can do it, but it doesn't sit well with me afterwards.

So given that it's 10:30am, I haven't eaten anything but McCoys crisps since this time yesterday, I've had about 2 hours sleep before getting up and going home and I'm still very, very's safe to say I was comfortably in a little bubble of stale smelling tiredness on my journey home this morning. I had to get a tube to a station slightly further away from my usual one. Then, so that I didn't disrupt anyone's day, I got a bus from the station instead of calling home for a lift.

I was conscious of being a little bit smelly having been liberally doused with Eau de Hot Club (grimey dubstep, D&B, garage and a load of bassline will do that to a girl) so I just put something nice on my iPod and trundled my way home.

I arrive at the bus stop, where five people were sat down waiting. There was no room for me, so I walked past them and stood near the timetable. The bus came. At this point, I did what any other person would do: the doors opened right in front of me, and I walked forward to get on.

A hand grabbed my arm. Not touched, grabbed.

"Err, we were here before you." said a large woman with what I can only describe as a face like a cow, pointing to an elderly woman next to her.

I woke up and pulled out an earphone.

"Eh?" and I stared at the open doors to the empty bus.
"We've been waiting too. You should let others get on before you"

Now, I didn't really get it. Usually, I'm all for queueing. But this wasn't really a queue, I hadn't skipped to the front of anything - I just happened to arrive 2 minutes before the bus, and chose to stand where the doors opened. Plus I have Oyster, I just needed to hop on, scan the thing and walk on. It takes 2 seconds. The elderly woman was looking a bit baffled. The man next to her was saying "No, it's fine". Yet still the large, cow faced woman glared. I spoke up.

"Eh? But we're all going to get on. It's empty."
"Thats not the point. We've been waiting. You should let us go first"
"Look," I replied, gesturing towards the sky and getting all philisophical, "It's a nice sunny day. Why are you causing a fuss? It's not a big deal. We're just getting on the bus. There's really no..."
"It's called MANNERS".

Woah there cow face. Don't talk to me about manners. I've got a whole blog about manners. While you're banging on about manners, that elderly woman is having to stand for an even longer time while we argue about it, you sour faced old trout.

But I didn't say that - I just let them all get on while this woman continued her mutterings and I reiterated my point that in the great scheme of things, this really isn't a very important thing to get upset about. By the time I got to the top deck, I was angry. This was not how I wanted to complete my night. I'm bloody knackered. I've been out all night. These tights are laced with sweat. I just want to go home.

"You want manners? I'd have quite liked a seat at that bus stop, but unfortunately your massive arse was taking up about 3 spaces on the bench. So while we're talking about manners, let's talk about your immense, overwhelming weight."

But I didn't say that. Why? because I haven't just got manners, I've got restraint.


Huw said...

She was in the WRONG. And arm-grabbing? Who does that?

Al said...

bahahaha thats hilarious!!!

what a psycho telling you off for that?? must have a sad pathetic life...

James_Ink said...

Oooo that just makes me all angry just thinking about it. Surely one of the downsides of been so overweight and lazy that you have to sit down to wait for the bus is that you might not be first in the queue when it arrives.

I really dislike sour faced grumps like that. Feel like the world owes them something, just because they can't help sticking big macs down their throat.

Anonymous said...

I'd've failed to restrain myself.

I'd've also threatened her with an assault charge...

Anonymous said...

Until I went to Freo I hadn't travelled on buses for a very long time. And I did like you did. And people muttered rather than grabbed. So I learnt to follow bus etiquette - I waited my turn and I only sat at the back cos if I sat near the front I might have to get up if someone old got on. I can't say I approve of bus etiquette (and it has nothing to do with manners - it's the just way things are) but it saved me getting cross if I followed the unwritten rules.

I lectured my boys on bus etiquette. They were totally confused when we went to Sydney and travelled on the tube and I said "as soon as the doors open you push your way on". And they enjoyed that a lot more.

Mouldy-Old-Tartlet said...

People who are suddenly `all in your face' over something really odd and not worth mentioning, are usually ones who live really small, unhappy lives. She was striking out cos she is fundamentally miserable w/her lot and probably decided you were as good a victim as any as you stood nearby contentedly listening to your music.

This is gonna sound a little odd - but take solace/comfort in the fact that all the other people nearby were as equally taken aback by her outburst as you -- I've had a few incidents on the tube where someone's got heated up (over nothing) and everyone in close proximity has also gone bonkers too. But, then, on the tube, most are either deeply troubled. Or insane.

Brennig said...

Screw 'em babe. You're better than they are.

Miss Milk said...

Oh, snap. I wish you'd said that. You probably could have gotten away with it if you just implied the reference to her massive girth.

Anonymous said...

Fat, obnoxious Brits... Send me back to France!
At least if they take issue over such ridiculous things, I can pretend I don't understand what they're saying...

The Unbearable Banishment said...

That’s precisely the sort of aggressiveness I would expect to see in Nasty Old New York, but I am shocked—SHOCKED—to hear that it goes on in a civilized town like London. By any chance, did she have a thick Brooklyn accent? Was she stuffing her face with a Big Mac or two?

Anonymous said...

Argh, I hate people like this. They feel they need to make a point about something so immaterial. Just argh.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Huw - Fat sea cows. That's who.

Al - My thoughts exactly

James - Exactly, if you want to get on the bus first, bloody stand near the doors.

Blue - If I'd been capable of rational thought and wasn't a drunken mess, I may have done the same.

Reluctant - Yeah there's definitely an etiquette at work..but queueing for the bus never really worked in the same way here. Like everyone always just bundles. Apart from at 10am in the morning, apparently.

MOT - Yeah, I like the thought that she embarrassed the old lady more than me. I didn't feel embarrassed, or even guilty of anything. Just "get the hell off my sleeve."

Brennig - I know this, you know this, it's only a matter of time until the world follows suit.

Miss Milk - I'm not the quickest soul in the morning.

Roseski - I knew I should have played the *shrug* *points to her ears* *shrug* card.

Unbearable - I think she was probably on her way to McDonalds, because there isn't one in that particular part of town.

Perp - ARRRRGHHHHHH, like just get over it! Its intensely irritating.

All Mod Cons said...

Quality post! Probably would've taken a different approach to a response (see Roseski's comment...I feel a post coming on about that alone!).

You were totally right though, wasn't as if it was a proper queue and you can't help where the bus stops. Stupid woman!

Robbie said...

How long after the incident did you think of saying that?
Normally for me, things like that come about 2 days later. I'm guessing your a bit quicker.

(ps i bet you get LOADS of more hits from people google "sweaty tights" FACT)

Time traveller said...

Well done on having some restraint. I can't say I would have done the same, going on past performance ... yeseterday a twat in a Peugeot beeped me, HE was in the wrong lane and wanted to get back into my lane - again. So I got out of the car and up to his window to find out what he wanted.


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