Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Pro tips for starting a new job

If there was a guide on how to prepare for your first day at a new job, there would probably be one point written in all caps, surrounded by an array of asterisks, an abominable amount of exclamation marks; maybe bold, underlined and put in red for good measure. It would say this:

******DO NOT GET DRUNK THE NIGHT BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!******

But alas it happened, as these things tend to, entirely by accident.

One minute myself, PIB and new friend Brummie Girl were taking a leisurely stroll up Portobello Road after a Monday afternoon dim-sum binge. The next we were in a pub several glasses of wine down, huddled around my HT-Shit phone trying to work out how to delete my Facebook status, which I'd just updated with PIB's ex boyfriend's name. That's what happens when you're trying to delete someone when you've had a few: you mistake the "share" button for "search" on Facebook mobile, and helpfully, there's no option to remove.

Following an inadvisable finale which began "Oh dear, quite drunk now. Better make the last one a G&T", I went home, rectified the Facebook Status Boo-Boo (yes, he had noticed), went to bed, and the next day woke up feeling like my uncle's vegetarian girlfriend probably did one Christmas, when she realised my Grandma had wrapped her Linda McCartney sausages in bacon: a little bit sick.

Helping matters along immensely was the Northern Line, which didn't get the message that I'd pressed snooze five times and really needed a Charing Cross branch train - like now, right now - and put on three Morden via Bank's in a row instead. That sentence will make absolutely no sense to anyone who doesn't use the tube - but while you're here - can I borrow a tenner? My monthly travel card appears to have done its annual January magic trick of increasing by an extra £6, so I'm saving for a team of huskies instead. 

Anyway, aware that I was arriving five minutes late for my first day at a company which has around 24,985 fewer employees than my last one, ergo-these-things-might-be-noticed-a-tad-more, it was beyond me why I then answered my new bosses "How are you?" with "Struggling a bit this morning, if I'm honest".

In hindsight (or straight away after he'd raised his eyebrows in surprise) I realised that "Wonderful, fresh as a daisy, thank you" might have been more appropriate.

The day progressed with no further misdemeanours, except the bit where I didn't ask where the kitchen was and kept wandering purposefully into, and then out of, adjacent offices without luck in a frantic search for water.

But apart from the delays, hangovers on a school night, honest replies and partial dehydration, I've made it to day two and the new job is good. Nay, probably the best one yet. Relief all round.

And anyway, as all pro-tips in this field suggest: you must start as you mean to go on.


j said...

Ha! This reads exactly like something I would do. Glad to hear the new job is going well.

Ellie said...

Sometimes it is required to start a new job with bleary eyes!

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

j - It happens to the best of us (another pro tip)

Ellie - In that case, CHECK!

Laura said...

Haha I love this. So something I would do, which worries me as I'm starting a new job a week on Monday. Note to self - no alcohol, leave home early, think before you speak!


Loki Mars said...

You're my favourite blogger.

Hails said...

Oh my God. Hahahaha! This had me laughing the whole way through, mainly because it's so familiar - don't think I've ever done it on the first day at work though. I did, however, recently have to abandon a classroom of 5-year-olds to stumble down to the office and say my antibiotics were rendering me too dizzy to stand up and teach. In actual fact, it was probably more to do with the vodka and shots the night before... while on antibiotics. I don't actually know how I made it into work in the first place, but I was home an hour later! Apparently we don't get any wiser as we get older.

Glad the job is going well so far - enjoy!

treacle said...

All's well that ends well, I say. You've nearly completed your first week in the new job. Huzzah! x

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Laura - Good luck in your new job! May your first day be full of water and hangover free.

Loki - Oh, shucks. *bats away compliment* (thank you)

Hails - So glad I'm not the only one to suffer from bad decisions made the night before in the alcohol department. We definitely do not get any wiser. Definitely not. I did not do this when I was 16.

treacle - Yeah I have! Woo Wooooo

London-Lass said...

Great stuff re. new job :) And no matter that you had a few the night before ... most of us office bods battle through our working lives in an alcoholic haze (just ask my bosses).

O, and this bit :-

"That's what happens when you're trying to delete someone when you've had a few: you mistake the "share" button for "search" on Facebook mobile, and helpfully, there's no option to remove."

is what I always do when sober. It has to be the most annoying thing (besides, say, bending a toenail back in your shoe or tripping up the office steps in front of a v. important client) and makes one look as though one is carrying one heck of a torch for someone.


Blog Template by - RSS icons by ComingUpForAir