Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Vamp gone wrong

I got bitten.

I remember emitting a little ‘Ow!’, as you’re likely do when a set of teeth clamp onto your neck, but for one reason or another it slipped from my mind. It was later on, as I stood in front of the mirror tying my hair up, that the collar of my polo shirt shifted slightly and revealed the results. “Nooooo...You bloody...arrrghhh!”

What with the whole vampire obsession that’s going on at the moment, you’d be forgiven for thinking that neck decorations were somehow cool. They’re not. In fact, Edward Cullen’s got nothing on this beauty. As I stood cringing in the mirror, tapping out an enraged text message to the perpetrator with one hand and dabbing Touche Eclat over the dark purple bruise with the other, I couldn’t help but feel fifteen again. Or, the kind of fifteen I would have been, had I been remotely attractive to boys and growing up in a Sweet Valley High book.

A love bite? Seriously? Surely this shouldn’t happen. And surely I’d have packed at least one scarf, high necked top or collared shirt for my week flat ‘n’ cat sitting away from home. Actually, thank god I’m not at home. Even worse than seeing that your parents have already set an extra place for Sunday breakfast to accommodate their daughter’s Saturday night err, guest...would be seeing your mothers face when you nonchalantly walk to the living room on a Monday night with a mouth-shaped bruise adorning your neck. In that respect, I’ve had a lucky escape.

But then I remembered work. Oh, god, work. Having established that low neck lines were clearly my brainwave for this week, I yanked my hair down and pulled it forward around the offending area. Ok, so as long as there isn’t a gust of wind, and I don’t tuck my hair behind my ears, I’ll be fine. Don’t be fooled; it’s not the looks of disapproval I fear. More the relentless ribbing I’d get from colleagues and indiscreet directors, who already sing the wedding march when I talk about impending cinema dates.

Still, better to be safe. Continuing the vampire theme, I walked to work with the collar up on my suitably purple mac, and made an early morning call to another work colleague, my sister.

“Err, have you left yet? No? Good. Can you grab me my shirt off the bathroom radiator, and my green scarf off the back of my door. Yep. Great. Just shove them in internal mail.”

Never mind the perils of living at home, looking trashy and / or fifteen. As I sit in the office wearing my scarf, all I can think is...this would look so much worse if it was summer.

10 comments:

monkey typist said...

my boss can smell love bites, she just *knows*. its scary

Hails said...

My first (and only - I was insistent about that) lovebite was when I was 18. The next day was the hottest day of the summer, and my parents were having a BBQ - to which I turned up wearing a polo neck. Everyone else was in strappy tops, and the men were shirtless. Of course, everyone knew perfectly well why I was sitting there sweating, so in the end I changed my clothes and endured the shame. Never again. They're so not worth it.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

That’s what happens when you bed with amateurs.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

monkey - My boss saw mine this afternoon. Mortified. He asked if I'd been hanging around student bars. ARGHHH.

Hails - Completely, utterly and totally agree. I am now on high alert.

Unbearable - Maybe what I get for dating a 22 year old :(

roseski said...

Reminds me of when I woke up one morning during my season... The night before one of the guys I worked with had pinned me down to deliberately give me a love bite just to embarrass me the next day. It was funny at the time, but it would NOT look good in front of the guests!

One of the company's policies was "collars down" but I was allowed to keep mine up until my neck was less offensive!

Elaine said...

Oooh, you slut :)

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

roseski - Arrghhh what I would have done for a collar to put up the other day...

Elaine ;)

Time Traveller said...

:) they're so much worse when they go yellow.

Time Traveller said...

I think you should 'love bite' your initials into the perpetrator's neck.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Time Traveller - The Perpetrator is one step ahead and won't let me anywhere near his neck now for fear of revenge :D

 

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