Thursday, 1 October 2009

The Problem with Primark Hold ups

Yesterday I was late into work. And for the first time since London got born, it wasn’t because TFL was having special funtime with a failing signal. It wasn’t because I woke up late. It wasn’t even because I forgot my wallet and had to go back to the house, although if anyone asks, that’s my official cover story.

The truth is, I had a wardrobe malfunction.

Ladies and gents, when you think of the words “hold ups”, you’ll either imagine bank robbers, that irritating person who talks to you while you’re trying to leave the office, or ladies in stockings. For clarity, I’m on about the last one. The type of “hold up” with the rubbery stuff round the top, which stops these nifty items of hosiery – essentially thigh high socks - slipping down your leg while you’re walking to the station.

You know the ones?

I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried to surreptitiously yank up a rebel stocking leg whilst walking down a busy road in front of passing traffic and morning commuters. But if you have, then you’ll know that there is no elegant way to do it. Your skirt could be Reiss, your shoes Paul Smith. Your hair might be glossy, and your nails neatly filed. But all that is guaranteed to mean absolutely nish all when one of your black Primark hold ups is gravitating towards the pavement at a rate of “Oh, fack”.

And because turning back is the last thing you want to do when you’re already two roads away from your house and running late, (‘there must be a way to solve this’, you think, as you try taking lighter steps, slowing your pace, holding the wayward stocking up through your jacket pocket lining), you carry on walking. You carry on until you get further away from the quiet seclusion of your cul-de-sac and into the realm of people who have managed to dress themselves appropriately that morning. You’ll be literally round the corner from the tube station before, red faced and sweating, it dawns on you that if this is embarrassing in your quiet London suburb, it’s definitely going to be worse when you get to Baker Street.

I think the highlight of my uncomfortable waddle to the station came when the rogue Primark stocking, complete with fancy trim, bagged down around my knee right in front of a mother and her two children. At that point, after another futile upwards yank, I admitted defeat. I hid behind a bush in the park like some sordid female incarnation of George Michael, hitched up the stocking and repeated the whole process back home.

Pretty Polly – you’ve got a lot to answer for. There are some things I shouldn't have to do, and a school child should never have to witness, at 8:20am in the morning.

17 comments:

jo said...

so wait, why didn't you just take the darn thing off entirely?

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

When? Oh, you mean on the middle of the pavement? Or on the tube station platform at rush hour? Or in the park in the 4 second gap I had while no one was walking by? Or do you mean just take the troublesome one off and go to work with one stocking on?

Please advise ;)

Brennig said...

Honestly? Can't say it's ever happened to me.

pinkjellybaby said...

and THAT'S why you should just wear tights.... ;)

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Brennig - I'm actually quite relieved about that.

PJB - Oh, I couldn't agree more..now. Live and learn the hard way :(

sas said...

having expereinced this before you must go with tights or get suspenders. but this half-way hold-up house is no go.

Helen said...

I'm sorry but I just laughed out loud at that. Ta for brightening up a crap day!

Hold ups = nightmare

smidge said...

Haha, but as this has happened to me i can understand the shame.

Were they brand new? if not just hand wash them next time and dont get the sticky band wet!

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

sas - Suspenders always make me feel a bit like I should be just wearing a mac and nothing else. Are they day-to-day wear?

Helen - I'm laughing too, or I'm sure I will do in about a years time when the embarrassment wears off!

smidge - Well I've worn them a couple of times before, and one leg was absolutely fine. They weren't Primarni specials either, so kind of expected more than just 2 or 3 wears. Hand wash it is.

Ellie said...

Friggin hysterical.

jo said...

hahaha! all of the above? or maybe just any of the above. i'm inclined to assume that you did in fact take both of 'em off the minute you had some time and privacy to do so...

Robbie said...

I know what you mean, sometimes my socks roll down. I hate it when that happens.

Steph said...

Ohyeah been there. I love it when it's Friday arvo, you've had that one too many after work drinkies, and you just let the feckers roll down to your ankles like big arsed socks........or maybe that's just me.

blueskies2day said...

I actually had to de-tour into a M&S once and lurk suspiciously behind the clothing racks while I pulled mine up.

Another time one flapped around my ankle as I scooted into a public toilet.

Another time I probably audibly said "fuck it" and took them both off on a bus.

Some hold ups are a lost cause. Sometimes, though (and this is a little bit yukky), if you're really in a pickle, lick your finger and put a bit of spit around the sticky thing. It seems to be a temporary solution occasionally.

honestwaffle said...

I gave up on them a long time ago, I think they are only made for people who only stand around and look pretty at cocktail parties, as soon as you make even the slightest movement it's a mental countdown to how long you have to wait to find some place to hoik them back up, and I'm sure somebody who controls cctv cameras is having a good laugh at our expense.
Monsoon tights ftw. although suspenders allow for better ventilation?

BlackLOG said...

I guess the closest I get to this type of malfunction is when I go to the gym and have a work out only to discover afterwards that I didn't pack my change of underwear. Eeeek - there have been a few commando style dashes home over the years.

As for doing Nora Batty Impressions in front of children - be thankful that you are not on some stocking abuse register....

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Ellie - I'm glad my plight was amusing for you ;)

jo - I think the 'waddled back home and got changed' bit of the post covers that!

Robbie - That's exactly the same thing. Nice to know you can relate.

Steph - Next time, I'm doing that. Fact.

Blueskies - haha! Yess it's not just me! Although my friends said that hairspray also works to keep them up. Saying that, I'm more likely to have spit in my mouth than hairspray in my bag.

Honestwaffle - I've yet to try suspenders. I'm reverting to tights :(

Blacklog - True story. Imagine if the police had been passing, they'd have complained more than the old man I flashed. For definite.

 

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