Thursday, 26 April 2012

Dig if you will a picture... of the last five days chez moi

Think back to the last time you didn’t have a television in your house.

And for the smug Billies about to scroll down and press publish on their “actually, I haven’t had one for years and I quite like it. Anyway, got iPlayer for the snooker, innit” comment, please think back to the last time you didn’t have the internet, either.

Now, I think I’m right in saying that this situation alone will put most of my techy, culture-savvy readers back to circa 1995. But if you, by some stretch of the imagination, have neither of these things in 2012 and enjoy a spot of conversation in your silent abode instead (there’s no radio either, before you start on the joys of Radio 4’s evening schedule), kindly think back to the last time you had no TV, internet, radio or chit-chat over the kitchen table.

In fact, put the sources of any usual conversation abroad. Lets say Spain. Or Cuba. Also, remove any cats, dogs or parrots from the equation.

(Quiet in here, isn’t it?)

Oh! I forgot to mention. You’re single, without a flicker of interest from any corner, so don’t go imagining any spontaneous “hey you, watcha doin? i’m bored :)) xxxxxxxx” text messages will be arriving any time soon.

Actually, you’re right. Something’s missing from this picture.

Can we add in some rain? Make it the constant, dreary, near-torrential stuff that puts paid to any form of socialising after work, because not only are you watching the pennies anyway, but it's windy and cold, so all anyone wants to do is go home and watch the Apprentice instead.

And don’t go on Twitter via your phone! Your phone is a nightmare anyway, but you can't even resort to that now. No, no. Because everyone’s talking about the TV programmes you’re not watching – and that’s really annoying.

So there you ha… wait. I almost forgot the knee. The knee! You also have a gammy knee which has chosen this very week to take on all the characteristics of a particularly rickety elderly person and send lots of fun pain whizzing around whenever you try and bend it, for no apparent reason.

Blimey. Don’t forget the knee. That hurts.

Tell you what. Go to work. Come home. Cook your dinner (it's pasta, again). Read a book, have a bath. Take some pain killers. Go to bed. Listen to sirens. Fall asleep.

Sounds nice, doesn’t it? It is!

Now wake up and repeat this process again the next day. And the next. And the next.

I know what you’re thinking. “Is it the weekend yet?”

No. There are still 24 hours to go until the working week meanders to its spectacularly quiet, slightly soggy conclusion.

But soon it will be Friday, and your housemate will be back from holiday.

Then, and only then, may you permeate the silence and join in with a rousing chorus of “HIYA! You’re back! Woo! Shall we get the internet sorted and buy a telly? Yeah. I’ll get the wine in."

And not a moment too soon.


Anonymous said...

That sounds like my personal hell. You don't want to know how much I spent on satellite internet on the cruise I recently went on. Internet is a NEED.

Breeza said...

Like I said on twitter, I'm in the same boat. I'm using my phone as a hotspot so I have some internet but it's temperamental. I miss tv so much it's pathetic.

Dominic said...

Quiet week, huh?

Blonde said...

Oooof, horrific. I'm all for the joys of a good book, but being without the radio for any length of time is guaranteed to make me tear my hair out.

Ellie said...

Was right there with you. Currently in a flat in a country village. No TV. No Internet. My Vodafone dongle has only just now started to work (2 days into the retreat). The internet is so much more fulfilling than TV.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

unpacking - I am dying without the internet. It's my lifeblood these days.

Breeze - I feel your pain. The day we got a TV, I did nothing for the rest of it then lost interest. Typical.

Dominic - You could say that.

Blonde - I've found a work around with the radio, all hail FM radios on phones! Hurrah, etc.

Ellie - The internet can provide TV! That's the annoying thing.


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