Friday, 11 February 2011

Is that all there is?

The hardest thing about seeing him on Wednesday night wasn't the big argument about who gets the flat, or having him there when I got in. It wasn't listening to his insistence that the flat and the relationship were two separate things, i.e. although he'd fucked up, this didn't mean I had the right to stay there over him. It wasn't the yelling and storming and eventual tears that ensued.

The bit that chewed me up was that through all the shit and heartbreak and knowledge that I'm better off without, I still hoped that I'd walk in and be faced with someone grovelling for forgiveness. That he'd be standing there, clear headed, all apologies, saying he missed me, asking what could he do to make it all better. That it had all been a massive huge understanding, that he'd plead his case.

But he didn't.

To instead have him sitting there in tears, not because he missed me - he can't remember the feeling of what we had - but because he is incapable of putting a reason or explanation onto why things have turned out like they have, was the killer touch. It crumpled me and sent me home in devastated tears after he left. He doesn't know how feelings can change in a week. He doesn't have any emotional attachment to the flat. He doesn't have any feelings for anything. He can't remember how it feels to have missed and waited for me for 5 months. It's all just gone, and he doesn't know why.

You realise you can't be angry, you can't make him realise he's been an idiot, you can't make a fool of him in front of his friends - it's all been done. He broke down as he recounted his best friend being the most shocked out of everyone, saying "But mate, you talked about her all the time".

It's not normal. I keep harking back to the timescale, but that's all there is. The only thing that gives me some sort of peace is knowing that it could all boil down to the unavoidable flick of a brain switch, and thank god it happened now and not later. But on Wednesday everything shattered. The whole strange and sorry mess is sending ripples of insecurity through my friends' relationships. It's going to follow me into the rest of mine.

The flat went back on the market the next day. I'll be back home by the end of the month, if not sooner.


Anonymous said...

I read this with a lump in my throat. It's what I was scared about with The Designer. He used to go so cold on me. We'd be standing there facing one another and he'd say he felt nothing. I was always frightened that he'd do that to me. It stopped me telling him when I was unhappy.

It's hard to admit this to you, but I became that person who just stopped when I was with The Mechanic. And I think it was like the flicking of a switch. I just didn't feel anything for him anymore. It really hurt but because I wanted to still love him but just couldn't find those feelings. I don't know where they went. I just stopped feeling anything and I still don't understand it.

I'm sorry Jo.

fwengebola said...

If it's any consolation, a few years down the road he may well think, 'Oh. Bugger.'
I know it doesn't help now.
In fact it won't help at all. Sorry.

Fen said...

I'm so very sorry :(

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, I know it's no consolation but I've been through a very similar thing and it does get better and then eventually it feels like it happened in a different life time. But you know all this already. Keep strong and sending you e-hugs x

Helen said...

Oh love. That "unavoidable flick of a brain switch"? Yep, it happened with my ex. One day there was just nothing. He changed his phone number, deleted and blocked me on facebook and via email and never spoke to me again. It will follow me into every relationship I ever have, no doubt. I don't know what else to say, expect I kind of understand. What little help that is I don't know x

Redbookish said...

Yup, happened to me: "I don't love you, I can't marry you." Just like that. Out of the blue. I saw him once a fortnight later, and never again (I made sure of that!)

I can rack my conscience, but I have never and would never behave like that to someone else.

But yes, he'll regret it. I hope he has far more than a "Oh, bugger" moment. File this under emotional fuckwittage. There's a lot of it about.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

These are incredible developments. Getting the hell out of your flat is the smartest thing to do right now.

He's just not ready. It's as simple as that. He may never be. Best not to invest anymore time in the relationship. Let the long, tedious healing process begin.

Kittie Flyn said...

My heart goes out to you. Having gone through something similar I remember trying to make sense of it all, muddling through the feelings, etc.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Jersey said...

Oh my, sounds awful. Getting the hell out of there sounds like the best option to escape all of this. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Oh hun :( *massive e-hugs*

One Fine Weasel said...

Christ mate that sucks, so so sorry :( xxx

Charlotte said...

I'm sorry too...but like someone above me said - at least you are getting out of the flat. x

jman said...

Two things you must try to remember - one, this guy is not a stand in for the rest of the male part of the human race, that what happened with/to him does not mean that it will happen with every (or even any) males you happen to meet in future. You've lost a vestige of innocence, ie you know this can happen, but just because it did happen doesn't mean it is destined to happen over and over again or even one more time. Being open to feelings and reciprocation even after this has happened does not fall within Einstein's definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting things to turn our differently.

The other thing to remember is not to lose faith - there are good guys out there, ones who know how to love, and you will meet one. Don't give up, don't ever give up! Sending more positive waves.

Perakath said...

Personally I blame his age. Of course I am very qualified to make such an incisive judgment about your problems, having met and known both of you since never.

DaringPeach said...

I know that this is not necessarily in the spirit of things (and I am still gobsmacked about not only this happening but also the timescale), bit, um, is he ok? Not having feelings about anything is such a classic sign of depression. Just a sudden 'I don't feel anything'.

Not that it is an excuse or a reason or anything like that, but if he has ANY history of mental health problems, it might be worth a thought. I only say it because I am so amazed at the speed of this, as you so rightly say: this timescale, one week, is not so normal. Usually there is more ebb and flow....

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Soup - I know it happens, like falling out of love can happen over well, maybe a few weeks or a month or so...but to switch in a day or two? Doesn't seem as normal. Although if that really does just happen, perhaps I'm wrong. I'm in denial, perhaps.

Fwenge - Contrary to what you say, that is the thought that keeps me going.

Fen - Ta x

Anon - If things would like to start getting better..umm.. now, that would be great!

Helen - It is reassuring in a way to know that it can happen to someone else. The deletion, everything...that's just mad. It's so strange.

Redbookish - I want him to regret it one day. I don't think I will though. Sorry to hear you went through a similar thing :(

Unbearable - I'm leaning towards "will never be ready". Its a gut feeling I have. It would have been now or later.

Kittie - Makes us stronger, right?

Jersey - I'm trying to speed that bit along..

Thanks Chapati x

Charlotte - As soon as someone decides to rent it, i wish they'd hurry up.

jman - A positive and helpful comment. Thanks for the perspective.

Perakath - No, you are probably onto something. It's been said by others. Age and a dodgy family background.

Daring - Nail on head, I think. The reason I have been so taken aback is the timescale. Depression has crossed my mind, it seems to be of that nature. I can't stress how much this whole thing was totally out of character for him. The sudden turnaround, the switch from amazingly happy and caring to this. Possibly made worse by a lot of alcohol, the odd dabble into other things. And that's what I've asked him "Are you ok, do you need to speak to someone". I think he does.


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