Friday, 19 June 2009

Body Conditioning

Conversation 1

"Well, the thing's just stupid isn't it? I mean, what's the point? There's just no need to even have one is there?"
"Well that's the thing. It just gets in the way, doesn't it? What's the point?"
"Exactly, I mean - the other night they just had a man out there from the time I arrived until the time I left. I don't know why they don't just hire someone to stand there and check the cards on the way out. Just get an elderly man, pay minimum wage; at a time like this they'd be grateful for the job!"
"Mmm yes, exactly."

Conversation 2

"It's cooked breakfasts that do it, isn't it?"
"Yes, yes. I mean, especially on holiday. If there's one on offer I'll just eat it! At home it's not a problem, I'll just have some muesli but it's..."
"Yes, well, it's bacon isn't it."
"Well that's it. Bacon. I mean, I take my son to music school on a Saturday morning, and they've just started handing out bacon sandwiches as you go in! It's a nightmare, and he's all oh mummy, get a sandwich, so I have to!"
"Hmmm, but I have found an alternative to cheese. Yes, you can make macaroni cheese with creme fraiche and well, you know it's not as good but with a solid vegetable layer underneath it's almost as tasty."

As I stood outside the doors to Studio 1 at half ten this morning, I had to physically restrain myself from bolting back down the stairs. I'd already missed the 9:30am Pilates Improvers after arriving late. A glance through the Studio 3's windows had revealed a darkened room with green mood lighting and a lycra clad crowd already horizontal on mats. An hour later, back upstairs in the realm of the Exercise Class, it wasn't the prospect of exercise itself that made me want to run far, far away. It was the inane wittering of the gathered women; the whinging, lamenting, dieting crowd yabbering on about alternatives for cheddar cheese and the new code activated barriers that let you in and out of the gym carpark.

At first I kept to myself, standing with my back flat against the wall and earwigging on Conversation 1 and looking around for someone under the age of 40. Next thing I knew, two more women had migrated next to me and were including me in Conversation 2, looking my way for input. I smiled and nodded along, laughing politely in the right places and saying things like "Ooh, yeah, I love cheese". I gathered that apparently it's ok to love cheese, as long as you don't eat it (or at least feel guilty while you do). It appears the endurance test for Body Conditioning starts well before you go through those doors and start prancing around to ABBA remixed.

An hour later; stretched, energised, toned and feeling rather better about myself than when I went in, I treated myself to a banana in the cafe. My phone rang.

"Hellooo, where are you? I'm bored at work."
"I'm at the gym. Just been to body conditioning"
"Eurrrghh, so are you all sweaty? Yuck, bet you are"
"No, well, it was alright actually. Might even go again. Missed pilates so did this one instead..."
"Bloody hell. It's a hard life you've got, isn't it?"

You're telling me. It's Dancercise next week.


The Unbearable Banishment said...

I love catching snippets of conversation. Here’s a fun site where people report overheard conversations while on the transport/streets. I’m not entirely convinced that people aren’t just making this stuff up but, regardless, I find it amusing.

Overheard in New York

Robbie said...

I'd of slapped the woman in conversation 2. Who one Earth tries to find alternatives to cheese? I bet not even lactose intolerant people try to go for alternatives, they just go for the good, tasty, heavenly REAL McCheese, er mccoy and worry later.

Plus the bitch slap and being carted off by the police would killed a couple of calories a bit more fun the body conditioning (what the eff??? that sounds made up. And Dancercise sounds like the exercise industry are doing to keep fit what the card industry did to holidays...just making stuff up. Happy Jo Day! x )

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Unbearable - There were some cracking conversations in the departure lounge on my way back from France the other day. I scrabbled around for a paper and pen, but typically didn't have anything on me! Other peoples conversations are really weird sometimes. These ones were.

Robbie - God, that's what I was thinking. Like are they nuts? If cheese is too fattening, just don't eat the whole bloody lot. There's no way you'd catch me swapping cheese for anything else. I couldn't really say "Oh I don't really care to be honest. I just eat cheese and never put on a pound" I don't think I'd make friends that way :( Gotta love the way they try and make these classes sound ambiguous. Although "Ab BLAST!" at 8:30 on a monday morning is clearly something to avoid at all costs...

Ellie said...

I can count the number of times I've eaten cheese since 4/12/08 on 1 hand. I love cheese. I'm crazy about cheese. My cheese deprivation isn't a weight loss technique. On 4/12 I was told by the doc that I have ridiculously high cholesterol. I don't want to take pills, so I gave good old fashion diet (not 'a diet', but diet) a chance. In addition to cheese, I have not had milk chocolate (any milk but skim or soya has been banned from my diet for years ...), steak, eggs etc. etc. And guess the fuck what: my cholesterol test this week shows that my cholesterol level as increased! I'm fucking pissed (in the American sense).

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

See, now that's just ridiculous. Have you checked that your cheese / milk abstinence hasn't been repaid in some other way? Perhaps the gods have placed £100 into your bank account as pennance?

Time Traveller said...

Pah - just eat what you want and exercise the rest off. Its simple, as someone once told me, just burn more than you eat.

Have you tried 'Body Pump'? It's mental, try it!


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