Wednesday, 8 October 2008


I never really know whether to trust my instinct, because usually my instinct gets mixed up with big bad bouts of paranoia.
But last night I was struck by something that was definitely more instinct than paranoia; the feeling that comes when you know someone so well, you can tell instinctively that something's up.
I've been in a little hazy mess since, worrying and wondering, trying not to confuse instinct with reading too much into things, talking things through at 11:30pm last night with my sister, of all people, when I couldn't get to sleep.
This morning I was the girl on the train who started crying for absolutely no reason, who briefly stopped the conversation of the two girls next to and opposite me while they glanced (slightly confused I expect) in my direction, and then continued chatting. Luckily my sister was on hand with the mirror surface of her iPod so I could sort out my running mascara. It's times like that you thank god for the remote indifference of London commuters; I didn't want to cause a fuss, it's just I'd finished reading the Metro and there was nothing else to distract me from my thoughts.
Now I'm in work and although I hoped I would be busy, I'm not. Usually by the time I get in I'm famished and gobble down a bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes at my desk, but today I'm having to force myself to eat an apple. It's taken me half an hour to get all the way round it and about a minute to chew and swallow every mouthful.
I'm sure I'll find out later if my instinct deserves a medal, but until then I suppose I've just got to wait it out.


Anonymous said...

Damn gut feelings. I used to find that mine were right all the time, especially the really bad ones..but then I got so paranoid that I was imagining them... now i'm just crazy I think.
But hang in there, once the issue is addressed, you'll find out for sure x

Elaine said...

Don't you hate it when the damn tears come at the most inappropriate moments?

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low and worrying about something. I hope it all works out ok and you're just being paranoid after all. x

Lapa said...

An aplle a day keeps the Doctor away...

Rachel said...

I am having the exact same emotions at the moment, but mine are more work related whereas yours seem more personal. Its awful isnt it, you know something is up but then you think, am I being totally stupid. Trust yourself and I hope everything works out ok for you!!

Cataclismical said...

Having read PJB's post today and having taken myself outside for a private weep, I read your post with equal understanding. I just can't bring myself to blog my insecurities right now as I think it would possibly mirror both of you.

I'm with all the other commenters here .. and as with PJB {{hugs}}

rosiewishes. said...

Thank God for mirrored bits on iPods! I've had to use the shiney screen of my phone after untimely bouts of tears...

I hope everything's ok though. I'm not used to reading about you being sad! Try not to worry too much because it might be nothing...?

The Unbearable Banishment said...

The fact that you’re not busy at work will only feed your instinct or paranoia or whatever you want to call it. An idle mind is the devil’s playground. When I get too much free time at work, I start to Google old girlfriends and shop online for a lot of crap that I don’t need.

Anonymous said...

Oh shit, that doesn't sound good at all.

My instincts are usually right too and sometimes I wonder if they actually determine the direction things go - I feel worried about something, I react differently to it as a result despite trying not to, so it is more likely to go wrong even when it had no intention of going wrong initially.

I sincerely hope your instinct is well and truly (wrote a swear word there but decided it was unsuitable) wrong (there that's better) and that all turns out OK.

If it's not you'll get through it. Because we always do.

Big hugs xxx

Hannah said...

Erk. Hope the instinct is wrong, and that you're okay. xxx

Mouldy-Old-Tartlet said...

Eek! Hope all's OK ...

PS : And if you cant eat - dont. Misery + forcing down food = a problem that only a large bottle of Gaviscon can clear.

Blue soup said...

Hun, I am a little late on the comments here despite reading your post earlier on my feed reader. I just wanted to think a while before commenting and say that I know how your fears can totally consume you and turn a normally sane brain upside down.

I truly hope, from the anguish in this post alone, that your gut instinct turns out to be wrong and you're just tired or the tannoy announcements on the train have gotten too much and mushed up your mind temporarily. But if it turns out that your hunch - whatever it is - is right, you have the strength to get through it. You will come out the other side.

As for crying on trains... I started crying on Dan who comments on my blog in the pub at lunchtime. I cry all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I have any shame left... so crying on trains is nothing babe xx

surviving myself said...

Thank you for the play-by-play of your apple eating.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Wow, thank you everyone. I was reading your replies at work through email and they've really given me a different slant on things.

pjb - I think that's the stage I'm at, getting paranoid about being paranoid. I work myself up and my mind goes crazy; sometimes its hard to know what to think.

elaine - It's half and half I think. Half yes, something's up, but half no, it's not me. I find tears awkward wherever I am unless I'm on my own.

lapa - Good advice!

rachel - That's exactly it: is it real or am I imagining it? I hope your work situation turns out well for you, too.

cataclismical - Thanks. It's good to know I wasn't the only one shedding a tear today.

rosie - It feels weird writing about feeling sad! I don't know how some people do it all the time, it's bloody exhausting.

unbearable - That's something my boyfriend would agree with. In fact, whenever I have a crazy day like today, it's his first reason. If I was busy, things would be in perspective a lot more.

reluctant - You have no idea how much that message makes sense; you're so right. Law of attraction isn't it, when you feel bad, you attract bad. And we do all get through it, I'm glad you reminded me.

hannah - my instinct can sniff bad things a mile away, then I think it's my head that blames me for it.

m-o-t - log of things eaten today: apple, half a bowl of soup, apple. And I feel all the worse for it.

blue - Thank you, I think insecurity plays a huge part. It's just this panic sets in and there's no escaping it. EVen when I know I'm being irrational - I still think what if I'm not? Argh. You can be in my crying club too!

surviving - any time. And I mean that. Just say the word.

James Ink said...

Luckily my sister was on hand with the mirror surface of her iPod so I could sort out my running mascara. It's times like that you thank god for..."

I was sure that quote was going to end with... "shiny gadgets".

Sorry to hear you're feeling a little blue. I hope whatever it is sorts itself out soon.

I was about to trot off some random psycho-babble related to a book I'm currently reading, but I think it best I spare you such advice for both our sakes.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

It's not Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is it, James? I've had my nose buried in that for the past couple of weeks!

And yes, thank god for shiny gadgets as well, a girl's best friend in a crisis.

weenie said...

Here's hoping you were totally wrong and worrying about nothing!

James Ink said...

"It's not Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is it, James?"

Er no... that would be weird if it was. So has the book help you figure us blokes out?

James Ink said...

sorry that last comment sounded a bit Errr No!!! Duh!.

It was more of a thinking err... then a no, and a bit... but that would of been weird though.

blueskies2day said...

Mozilla is comforting: "Are you SURE you would like to navigate away from this page? You wrote something and didn't save it... do you really want to wander off without saying it?"

I did want to say something, but at times like these I either spout cliches or say something horrifically inappropriate in a desperate attempt to elicit laughter and instead become afraid of provoking offence. Or I would mirror everyone else's comments and that would be pointless.

No idea whats happened or potentially about to happen, but I really hope you're OK because you're ace and I like you and feel like you're my social superior and that I should therefore look up to you and sycophantically hang around your blog waiting for attention and/or something to comment on.

Hmmm...I think I avoided cliches / offence / repetition... but perhaps I may sound silly. I meant most of what I said though, especially the liking part but excepting anything which may have offended. I am going to stop writing now.

AFC 30K said...

I can do worry and paranoia with the best of them and I have to say, from my personal experiance, things are never as bad as I have imagined them to be.

I can really empathise with the not busy at work thing; when ever I've not been busy at work and had things on my ming I end up with a visit from my Black Dog - just like the end of last year (you my recall some of my posts from that time)

My thoughts are with you but I'm sure it'll turn out to be a case of two much time time to think cause you to imaginge the worst.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I'm late to comment on this.

In my experience, gut instincts are usually right. But I am crossing my fingers that this is not the case for you x


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