Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Thinking about it

"Something happens after a painful breakup which leaves you with a lump of coal where your heart and libido normally reside"

It was this comment on my last post that hit the nail on the head.

The weird thing is this feeling of nothingness. Like you can spend a nice evening with someone, then go home and not feel the slightest bit for them. Kiss someone while drunk, hear them compliment you, smile and nod and chat away. Then wake up with little more than a slight headache and a hazy, happy memory of a confidence boost; actively recoiling at the thought of anything further.

It could have been company for this week, but a feeling akin to "yuck, no, eurgh" is all the thought I gave to that. Because this week I'm living on my own again.

I'm staying in a flat that is inextricably linked to him and us, and maybe it's that which made me wake up with a start this morning after a very vivid dream where we were both making steps to fix whatever it was that went wrong. The idea of it stuck with me today. Whatever I feel at the moment, it rarely involves wanting him back or regretting the choice I made. Yet this morning, when the bus went past all "our" places, instead of nodding along to my music, I wondered, "does he regret it yet?".

It's quite an alien feeling, not wanting anything or anyone, especially when the rest of the world seems to be out seeking or enjoying precisely that. But the hunch is this: the instinct that stopped me dragging on with a failing relationship is the same one that stops me from embarking on anything more than fleeting moments and one-off kisses before I'm ready.

It's not even a choice. It's just the way it is.

And, like another commenter said, that's not a bad survival mechanism to be stuck with.


Leigh said...

I think it confuses people when you're someone who's okay on their own and doesn't *need* to be with someone. Pretty much as soon as I split up with my ex people were talking about how to meet new people and just the idea of it made me feel ill. I still feel a bit squicky at the idea of anything more than a bit of flirting or maybe a snog.

You seem to have exceptionally good instincts and it's always best to follow them.

Rockabilly Hippie said...

I totally agree with Leigh! There is nothing wrong with being single. If you plan on eventually marrying one day, then take all the single time you can get and soak it up and enjoy it. Learn about you :-)

Anonymous said...

I have been toying with a similar idea...that all my moaning about not finding a decent man is perhaps because I don't want to. I don't attract the ones who want a relationship, becasue actually I don't either.
It took me ten months to do more than kiss someone else after The Boy.... and even then I had to be drunk. Sometimes it just takes time x

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Leigh - It does somewhat confuse people I think. Everyone assumes that the one main mission in life is to find a bloke, which maybe it is, but there are times when that just isn't on the agenda. I think it makes people a bit uncomfortable, like they've got nothing else to say to a single person who isn't actually looking. But there it is.

Rockabilly - Marriage is waaaay off in the distance! But I've never minded being single. For this reason, I think. The freedom to do, or ignore whatever you want.

PJB - I think there's definitely sense in that reasoning. It's probably why I always go for younger blokes, as there's less of a threat of them wanting to settle down. We're definitely attracted to blokes who are like for like, if not with looks then with outlook on life. Probably why my latest relationship with my ex didn't ever really deep down sit well with me, because I knew he wasn't going to settle down aged 24. I knew it would end eventually.


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