Sunday, 20 March 2011


There's a lot about the breakup that doesn't hurt any more.

I don't miss him. I don't want him. I do think about the amazing places we went to and the plans we made, but as I never quite believed they would happen until they did, it's hard to miss what you never thought you'd have. My bed doesn't feel empty without him. Receipts don't remind me of the nights or days out we had, but the bickering it took to decide whether we went there.

I haven't, don't and won't contact him. I'll move on and never look back. I'll do this because he was a stupid, ridiculous dreamer of a boy who gave up something amazing because he liked the look of someone else. Ultimately, there are better men than him out there.

This reasoning, so I've been told, makes me a strong person. It means I'm brave and know what's best for me.

But what's the truth? There have been no texts to ignore. No e-mails or heartfelt letters to throw in the bin. No calls to leave unanswered. No grand gestures, no attempts at reconciliation to turn down. No feelings to rebuff, no "just seeing how you are" to repond to with a "fuck off". No apologies, no attempts to make contact, no "I miss you". Nothing.

Just an easy life of silence, and the unavoidable fact that really, it's him that didn't want me. Doesn't want me. No second thoughts, no realisation that I'm worth fighting for, no inking that he's made the wrong decision.

All I've done is respond in kind.

What's brave about that?


Blonde said...

I'd read it another way: that he knows he screwed up - massively. He's ashamed to face you (as, let's face it, he should be). I very much doubt it's because he doesn't want to, somehow.

And you are brave - you could have been begging and pleading and making noises about forgiveness and pushing on through despite what he did. Which you've not done.

Jo, several. Git, 0. x

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

I suppose my thinking is that the night it all came out, he at one point said "Don't you think this is hard for me too, telling my girlfriend I don't love her any more"

So whether that was said while drunk and in a state, and never repeated since - for me, you can't go back from that even though he seemed to think we could.

Fact is, I never had a choice - trying to attempt to be with someone who says they don't love you is like turning up to a party you're not invited to. He rejected me, and all I've done is swallow that and deal with it as best I can. It feels brave for a bit, then you get some perspective and go "Yeah, but this all came about because he didn't want YOU", not the other way around.

ModelofaModernMajorGeneral said...

It is a cliche in my circles that bravery is not the absence of fear, but rather acknowledging it and doing a task anyway.

In this situation it is equally as brave to understand that you are the one who wanted something and instead have been left bereft. Knowing this does not make you any less brave, does not negate the pain you have felt (and probably continue to feel), does not mean that someone will want to fight for you.


Jilly said...

I've been in a similar situation and this is my 2c.

I'd say he is still in the 'I've done the right thing' phase.

Men seem to operate in a different way to women. It takes them a long time to realise they were wrong as they tend to avoid their emotions. It may take him months to realise the mistake he has made.He may then contact you. He may not.

We women over analyse everything I think. Don't worry, be happy, be glad things didn't get more serious before he showed his true colours. xx

Bender's Better Brother said...

I think it's natural to seek some sort of post break-up validation. Don't. Move on. He wasn't the right one. It matters not whether he said that or you said that, same result, unless of course you're intent on torturing yourself.

The autopsy's been done. The burial's been and gone. All you're going to find in there is a stinking, rotting mess.

Roll-on Monday. Roll-on life.

jman said...

Sometimes the "it's not you, it's me" trite phrase has the ring of truth. He didn't say it was something you did or didn't do. In the end, it wasn't you it was him. He was too immature to deal with things, to know his own feelings and to be honorable. Or honourable even.

And now it is you not him as in it doesn't matter what he thinks only what you think. Keep the self esteem flag flying high.

Anonymous said...

When I read this, Ihad the same feeling about it as Blonde.

I like what Jilly said though. I nodded at that.

And, if nothing else...

"There have been no texts to ignore. No e-mails or heartfelt letters to throw in the bin. No calls to leave unanswered. No grand gestures, no attempts at reconciliation to turn down. No feelings to rebuff, no "just seeing how you are" to repond to with a "fuck off". No apologies, no attempts to make contact, no "I miss you". Nothing. "

Yet more evidence that you escaped a complete twat.

Remeber the good times and be grateful for them, remember the bad times and be grateful they are over.


Ellie said...

Doesn't matter whether courage is involved or not. It's hard. Continued hugs.

Anonymous said...

It seems almost like he flicked a switch and that was that. Having once been on the receiving end of a decision similar to that, I can fully sympathise with you.

However, you've dealt with it so well, it just shows what strong person you are.

Definitely his loss.

Helen said...

You are brave. And you've dealt with this incredibly well. Far better than I did when I was in the same situation. I wish I'd had an ounce of your strength and self respect xx

Brennig said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brennig said...

Sometimes doing nothing is not the easier option. Picking up the phone to hurl abuse at the person who hurt us; sending a venomous, spiteful (but ultimately satisfying) email; putting a bitchy but soothing status update on Facebook, all of these things require effort not to do. And that's where you're expending effort - not doing. Keep it up.

(original comment deleted and reposted to correct a grammatical faux pas)

1FightingIrish said...

I had a serious relationship end after about 4 years with similar levels of silence. About 3 years afterwards I got to talk to her about it, and she said that she wanted to do all those things, (the 'how you doing' texts, occasional emails) but she felt like it would only make things worse and more drawn out. She was, as it turns out, trying to do what she thought was best for me, despite the fact she did have moments of doubt at her decision.

It rarely happens, but when it is possible, I really think the clean break and absolutely no contact is the way forward.... In reality, one party usually caves, or gets drunk and then caves, and ends up getting in touch.

I must admit, I was waiting for the second thoughts, the indecision on her part, and it simply never came (as far as I was aware at the time). Looking back on it now, it made a bad situation as manageable as possible.

It is really hard to move on without looking back, but when you can, I think it shows a strength of character that you should be proud of. You may not think you had any choice, but the inability of people to let go/avoid that final glance has been going on for a very long time. For example, Orpheus and Eurydice in Greek mythology (I think any point is always improved when you can include an example from Greek mythology)

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

AARRGHHH I just wrote a response to each of you, and blogger just ate it when I clicked publish. Unable to complete process my arse.

I'm going to respond properly tomorrow, in the meantime, thank you for the comments. They make proper loads of sense, as ever x

Smidge said...

I wish in a way my Ex would just leave me alone. He is making is very hard for me to move on with the texts and 'how are you?' and 'im finding this so hard' texts.

P.s you are far braver than me.

modelofamodernmajorgeneral said...

ah, computers; those things that are supposed to reduce our workload and make things easy....

Anonymous said...

As someone who has just been treated like shit by her ex but has kept some contact, suggested she would forgive I can confirm that it makes you feel like a total loser. It doesn't matter if you're getting nothing from him YOU are still making a decision. Wish I could have been so strong :(
chin up xx

pink jb said...

Without wishing to upset any of my own exes who might read this...... it usually all goes quiet for a while and then once it's sunk in...BAM. They realise what they have done.
I think it's more that people think you're brave for how you've dealt with it all. x

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Model - That line of thinking, re bravery means acknowledging, makes a lot of sense.

Jilly - I'm eternally grateful for the fact that it didn't go any further. It's a lucky escape. The wanting contact thing is wholly irrational, as I know it'd do me no good.

Benders - I've been rolling on quite nicely for a couple of months now, no big cries when drunk, no big set backs, just getting on and enjoying life. I suppose because it happened suddenly, I'm now looking at things in a different way now some time has lapsed.

jman - It is a lot to do with self esteem. I suppose when I look at myself I can only see what someone didn't want, rather than what someone might want. It'll take time, and possibly a rebound to get rid of that!

Soup - That's a good way to look at things, it's just hard for me to think of the bad times when they were compacted into the ten days at the end. There wasn't this slow, horrible drift into unhappiness that I've experienced in the past. Just a sudden turnaround from what was a good relationship. So I focus on the good and think "look at everything that's gone".

Ellie - Thanks. It is hard. Easier than the last break up I had, different indeed, but sporadically hard.

Perp - The flick of the switch is all I can put it down to. It's difficult to understand how it might happen so quickly, and that's the bit that keeps hitting me suddenly every now and then.

Helen - I suppose self respect is one thing I do have. You have to in order to say no, go away. But I don't feel brave for ignoring him ignoring me. Just like I'm being ignored.

Brennig- There are plenty of those spiteful emails in draft form, but thankfully none got sent. Mostly thanks to some good twitter and blog counselling!

1Fighting - The thing is, I'm a huge advocate of the no contact, never going back thing. I know if he did contact me, it would mess me up and be awful in the long run. But all I can think is that I'm never that girl whose exes break up with her and then realise they've made a massive error. I might hear it one day, which is probably what happens generally as you describe, but I suppose sometimes you just want that validation that you meant something. Although I know really it would do me no good and I don't want it at all. Does that even make sense?

Smidge - But yours was one of the blogs I read and thought as shit as what B is doing is, I kind of wish my ex said something more than just "Ok, that's it then". No feelings, nothing, just an end. It's shit either way.

Anon - It does help to read that people have been in my situation in the past like that. I think it's all just catching up with me now after the sudden shock of it. Chin up to you, too, miss.

PJB - You're probably right, one day the realisation might come and hopefully then I'll be happy enough not to need it any more. Time, time time needed. More time.

Now, let's see if Blogger will post this one...

Anonymous said...

I need to work out how to leave my name but I'm same anon who commented earlier. My break up happened virtually same time as yours and readinv your blog and reaction has helped me enormously. Mine was also a flick of switch moment from a man who pleaded with me to be with him. Complicated by ex wife psychotic breakdown and son so not clear cut (!) but god it hurts. Keep thinking I was fine before I met you so I'll be fine now. only way is up!


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