Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Panic

Despite feeling alright yesterday and today - well, I say alright, I didn't cry - tonight I haven't been so lucky.

I was meant to be going out, but my friend had an emergency and had to cancel at the last minute. This meant I was now faced with a night in that I wasn't prepared for. Not a problem, I thought, I did it last night and the night before - no drama.

But on the train home this evening I felt something close to panic rising inside me. My heard started beating out of my chest, my throat tightened. The further I got to the flat - and I'd already purposefully taken a long route back - the more this panic kept on inside me. By the time I got through the door I was breathing heavily, struggling to catch my breath and I had to sit on the bed as I cried.

All I could think was I didn't want this. I never wanted to live on my own. I moved out to live with him, because he was the only person I could imagine living with, and now he's fucked everything up. His stupidity, whatever it was that caused him to switch so suddenly, has knocked me down. I'm not the sort of girl who cries about being on her own. I never minded being single, never went out looking for love. Except this time I didn't want to be single, I was happy how I was. I was starting afresh, moving on, moving out.

And now I can't even spend a night on my own without feeling panicked about the prospect. I hate him for doing this to me, for ruining everything. I bloody hate him.

11 comments:

pinkjellybaby said...

Oh :( is there someone you can get to come and stay for a while? Living by yourself is tough, tougher when you're feeling like you are right now xx

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

No there's not really anyone. Besides I don't like imposing on people, it's a one bed flat so I can't even offer a bed for anyone! I'm feeling better now, calmer. I think tonight just threw me.

Grump said...

I can really feel your pain, it went straight to my heart, brought tears to my eyes.
It does get better, we all know that but the pain while it is there is hard.
One day at a time.
Woofx

jman said...

You may feel like you're running in place and sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back sometimes two steps forward one step back. But progress will be made. Do you belong to a gym? There's nothing like throwing yourself into a workout to direct the anger and despair into doing something for yourself. And it will tire you out sufficiently you should sleep better as well. Sending positive waves.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

I hate him, too. The shame of my gender.

Chapati said...

Oh no :( Can feel your pain too, massive hugs. I'm a fellow-Londoner too, if ever you want some company drop me an email!

Fen said...

You don't have to let him do this to you, stay strong and things will get better. If you feel panicky like that again do 4 x 4 breathing, breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4 and hold again. It works.

nuttycow said...

Oh love - it must be horrible for you at the moment but you're getting through it. You're being strong and you're being awesome and the time is slowly ticking by. Soon, it'll be a month, 6 months, a year. You'll look back and not recognise yourself.

Promise.

In the meantime, I also live on my own so if you're feeling lonely, do give me a call/skype/whatever and we'll keep each other company while watching crap tv together!

Helen said...

Living on your own can be incredibly hard when you're not feeling great. I had a panic attack last week for no real reason. Just an overwhelming sense that EVERYTHING was wrong. It will get better. It has to x

theperpetualspiral said...

Here's hoping that the better days start to come sooner rather than later. x

Redbookish said...

Hope you feel better about your own space soon. Have something planned for the weekend with friends. Let them look after you -- they'll understand.

 

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