Monday, 23 August 2010

Revenge is a dish best served by text message

On Saturday night, while propping up The Winchester's bar with the Boy and his two friends, news reached me that my good friend the PiB had been mugged while on holiday in Ibiza. Aside from a few grazes and a gammy ankle, the result of attempting to chase said Bastard Mugger through 'wasteland in the dark' as she put it, she was unharmed, upset and devoid of a handbag, phone and wallet. Predictably, the police couldn't care less. But I care. And I care even more when it's 2:30am and I'm in a bar contemplating shots with salt and lemon.

Retribution in mind, I picked up my CleverPhone.

"You fuckers" I tapped, thinking of no better form of address, "You fuckers who stole my mates phone can..."

I paused. Can what. Caaaan...make calls? Text your mates for free? Rot in hell? No, too cliche. They probably won't speak English anyway, so let's keep it simple using language the whole world can enjoy.

"You fuckers who stole my mates phone are the lowest form of scum on earth, I hope you die"

No, no. Too much. Let's not get into wishing death upon the little low life rascals. Ten minutes have passed, and I'm still poised over my phone trying, through the tequila fog, to engage the witty insult-making part of my brain. I try so very hard. My brows are furrowed in thought. Drunken outrage at my friend's misfortune is drumming through my fingers, ready to be sent forth to the selfish little scumbags who hold her iPhone in their clammy clutches. Oh, that'll do. Message composed, I press send. Fury via text message is unleashed through London and over the Channel, winging it's way to a thieves sweaty hands in Ibiza.

"Fear not", I type onto the PiB's Facebook wall, "Have sent a suitably abusive message to your phone in the event of some horrible irk finding it and being able to translate English swear words. Just doing my duty maam. X"

The next morning, with hangover and vague recollections of spending a lot of time staring at my phone screen the night before, I check my handiwork.


Oh. Good work. Very threatening.


Nothing says outrage like a well placed exclamation mark.

9 comments:

Robbie said...

When she gets a new phone she may want to get a phone like yours.

You can cheaply get an app (it's called Tasker, have a look at my recent tweet of what else it does) that will let you text your lost phone (With what you've written or simply "SOS") and it will switch on GPS, locate your phone and reply with coordinates of phone.

Or buy the slightly more expensive and subscription based WaveSecure that will attempt to back up your phone, delete everything that is on it and locate and track your phone.

Or your friend could just employ you to drunkly message thieves...good effort!

Robbie said...

PS I like that it took you 47 minutes to compose that sentence. You really did think that out :-)

nuttycow said...

A fine crafting of words. Those Ibiza boys will be shaking in their boots.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Robbie - That app looks rather good. Might invest for the safety of my own little phone. So you can just text your phone from a mates phone, then track the buggers down? Sounds a little too good to be true, surely the GPS has to be on?

Nuttycow - I like to think this is the case.

Robbie said...

Not sure how WaveSecure works but it probably has rights to switch on GPS if it is off.

Tasker is without a doubt the most genious/swiss army knife app ever. You can tell it to do certain things based on anything. Fox example I now have GPS always off, but Tasker has been told to switch GPS on if I ever go in to Maps. When I close Maps GPS switches off.
(I should point out that even if you have GPS switched on it is always idle and not in use unless you use an app that uses GPS, ie Maps. It's only when you see the icon in the notification screen is GPS actually ON)
Tasker is cheap, like £4 cheap. If you get it I'll send you links to loads of wikis on how to set up your own profiles.
I was well impressed with the one in my video where it reads out text messages if my phone is in Car Home mode.
Another good Task, one Ive not set up, is it can use your networks location of you to see where you are and if you go within a certain radius of your house it will auto switch your wifi on/off, saving you battery. Holy Cows!

Robbie said...

Heres the link to the other app WaveSecure https://www.wavesecure.com/wavesecure/android.aspx
This is also a great app that's fantastic for those that are worried about loss of phone and personal data. Wavesecure will wipe your phone on request and then when you have it back (or a new phone with wavesecure installed again) it will restore your phones information.
You can also track your phone via the website and send messages to teh person who has it saying you're looking for it and can they return it.
Another funky thing WaveSecure does is if the thief swaps his SIM for yours not only will the phone lock up but it will tell you the thiefs own number, so you can call them and surprise them.

London-Lass said...

Good on you Jo for your drunken outrage !

The Unbearable Banishment said...

In my darker, less enlightened days, I always went for hope-you-get-cancer wish. And it was always very specific. Testicular cancer for the guys and ovarian cancer for the gals. Thank God I took up meditation.

cynicalscribble said...

Good work Jo!

To echo what Robbie has said, I've got Wave Secure installed on my phone too. I think it also sends a message to an alternative number (of your choosing) when a different SIM is inserted. Clever little thing.

It was easy peasy to set up...I'm now just waiting for my phone to be stolen so I can stalk some thieves.

 

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