Wednesday, 22 July 2009

News from the Cotton mill

A conversation with someone last week, on the subject of my Most Favourite Celebrity in the Whole World Ever, mwah mwah mwah, snuggle:

'I facking hate Fearne Cotton' I said, glint in my eye.

'What's wrong with her? She's alright, isn't she?' replied someone I'd met 2 hours previously.

'She's the most irritating, patronising, overexcitable, insincere presenter in the world. Can't stand her.'

'Fearne Cotton? She's the blonde one, yeah?'


'Oh. I quite like her. Didn't realise she was on Radio One though.'

'How can you quite like her? Her vocabulary consists of one word. "Amazing". Everything's amazing. Everything's so exciting. Fearne, your shoe is on fire. "Amazing!!!" She'd attend the splitting of a toenail and gush about how amazing it was the next day.'

"She's the one with short blonde hair, bit overweight?'

"Not really overweight. Long blonde hair. Annoying face. Slightly hairy, I expect. But bleached, like stealth face hair.'

"Hmmm. Presents This Morning?'

"No, love. That's Fern Britton.'

"Oh. In that case, I don't know who you mean. But she sounds like a right idiot."

True story. Anyway, I mention this conversation because a couple of days later Brennig, the little information beaver that he is, provided me with news that made my belly gargle with rage. The news was that Fearne Cotton, bain of anyone who has working ears, has been given Jo Whiley's slot on Radio 1. This moves her away from her wanky weekend slot which only whales, dolphins and other high frequency transmitting mammals can hear, and into mid morning, where she will be broadcast into any workplace unlucky enough to have a radio tuned to BBC Radio 1 during the day. My thoughts are with you.

But then he sent me the press release put out by this tower of deaf incapables at Radio 1:

"Fearne said: Jo is leaving very big shoes for me to fill and it’s nerve wracking. She has been a massive inspiration to me throughout my career so I have a high standard to live up to. The live music legacy will live on in the new show and I can’t wait to get started.”

Ooh! Excited again are we Fearne? Is it all very exciting? And what's this music legacy you speak of? Oh! Will you be playing more new amazing Kings of Leon and Arctic Monkeys and Keane songs and raving about how they're really really great, and that you saw them last night and you're all great friends now? Are you on crack, woman? Clearly, I was not the only one perturbed by this, as Emsbabee alerted me to the actions of another, more err, viciously active member of the FEARNE BEGONE! group:

"A man has been arrested for allegedly sending threatening text messages to Radio 1 DJ Fearne Cotton"


^ Fearne Cotton being taken away for crimes against radio ^

Not guilty your honour! But strange how the two incidents occured within hours of each other, wouldn't you say? Radio 1, I think your listeners are trying to tell you something.

She is excited. Your audience are not.


Elaine said...

Oh, don't fret love. Give it a few years and you'll be listening to Radio 2. x

Lynx said...

Don't wait for a few years, switch to Radio 2 now! Ken Bruce is really rather good, and you can play along with Popmaster and everything. It's not all Val Doonican nowadays you know, they play plenty of current stuff. There is a distinct lack of Drum'n'Bass, but I regard that as a good thing.

As for Fearne, give it a couple of years and she'll be reduced to flogging flogging crap jewellery on a tv shopping channel.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Elaine - I am partial to a bit of Jeremey Vine, I'll have you know. Radio 2 is our kitchen music of choice...

Lynx - The person I don't like on Radio 2 is Alan Carr, he speaks really slowly on radio and is all scripted. Sounds rubbish. Other than that, Radio 2 is all good. Shame they got rid of Mr. Brand though.

More of an XFM girl myself (104.9, rock / indie n tingaling)

Time Traveller said...

I hear ya. That Scottish one on Radio 1 annoys me more.

Anonymous said...

"Who's replacing Jo Whiley on her Radio 1 slot?" was a question in last night's pub quiz. I didn't know the answer but I was similarly out-raged when I found out... And it made me think of you!

James said...

Ah, I was confused. I've been away from the UK for sufficiently long that I thought at first you meant Fern Britton, whom I had a hard time imagining taking over from Jo Whiley.

Brennig said...


Try this one:

Robbie said...

You listen to Radio 1? Whats with that?
Ever since they Mark and Lard ditched them a few years back it's all down hill with that station.
Everytime they say Moyles has record number of listeners I keep thinking "what kind of person is listening to that? Obviously he is just leaving radios on his station where ever he goes. Only explanation"

Who'd of thought Jo Whiley had big feet eh? Learn new things everyday.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

TT - Oh God, Bowman. Edith shitting Bowman. I've ranted about her before.

Roseski - Ah see, I'm a wealth of information. Always check this blog before a pub quiz, you never know what you'll find.

James - Ha, imagine constantly being confused with Fern Britton. That would do wonders to your self esteem.

Brennig - I'm on it (Or I will be, at lunch)

Robbie - I personally don't listen to Radio 1, I just sympathise with those who do, or have it inflicted on them as we all do at one point or another.

I listen to my iPod in the car, Radio 2 in the kitchen, XFM when I forget my iPod and Magic FM when I'm drunk and sleepy.

I do have a couple of Essential Mixes (Scratch Perverts, DJ Yoda, Kissy Sellout) downloaded which are always good. Can't stand Chris Moyles.

arbyn said...

Radio 1 was on a downturn anyway. Might as well make the cycle complete.

I HATED the Fearne and Reggie (Reggie?) countdown or whatever show. She is probably the most irritating radio personality I've heard.

I do like Scott Mills though... the pranks are so good.

Blue soup said...

For what it is worth, I hate Fern Cotton too. I wish I had thought to send her death threats.

James said...

Yes, I was definitely in the same (Britton/Cotton) boat as your friend in the conversation.

However, in looking up Fern Britton on WP, I noticed that she left her job only last week. Coincidence?


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