Thursday, 23 April 2009

Everyday I love you less and less

I keep having these little moments where I count up how many months I've been single. I know it's just over six, but I can't help getting a calendar and looking at these months in their official form. I think I'm continually amazed at how wrong I was.

All that time with my ex and I was convinced, convinced that I'd never find anyone as good as him. That if we ever broke up, I'd be a complete mess; that my social life would deplete and that I'd carry around this aching heavy package inside for years to come. I don't. There's a little ache there if I think about it, but it doesn't weigh more than a feather.

I don't look back with rose tinted glasses, I look back and think "Bloody hell Jo, what did you put up with?". The only time I get that heavy feeling is when I remember how horrible it is to feel insecure, to feel that at any moment the person you love might say "this isn't working". Once a few weeks ago, I got that panicky, sick feeling - almost like a sort of physical flashback - and I had to breathe and reassure myself that it's ok, there's no one to make me feel like that any more.

Usually people wish they'd got in there first with the dumping, that they'd been the one to pull the plug, whereas I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad I put everything into that relationship and tried to make it work, even to the point of becoming clingy and over compensating, buying gifts and trying to make myself indispensable, scheduling things so that there were events to look forward to, so that he couldn't finish with me. I'm glad that he was the one who didn't want it to work. Because when I look back, I know there was nothing more I could have done and he's the only one who can have regrets.

I've made my last contact with him by email a couple of weeks ago, sending him a Charlie Brooker article which elicited a few words in response. I left it there, didn't pursue with further questions. When he text me at the weekend; a strange, short, one line text which was so random I assumed he'd got the wrong number, I nearly text back saying "Eh? What?" but then I just...didn't. Even when I worked out what he was on about, I still didn't respond. I felt I should to be polite, worried about seeming rude, offending him, but I didn't really feel the need to. There was no question at the end, no enquiry, just a strange bit of information with no explanation attached. Plus I didn't want to hear back, or have to wait for a reply, or to put myself in the situation where I had even a flicker of deep thought about him. So I just left it...which, now I think about it, I've never actually done before.

I sit here in my kitchen and I'm feeling confident. I've rediscovered short dresses and no longer team everything with jeans. I go out and I meet people nearly every weekend, get compliments and swap numbers on a whim. I don't care whether anything comes of it or not, it's just fun. I'm working from home, for free, living at home, for free, and have no one to make me feel guilty about it. The 'relationship' tag on my blog used to be my least favourite, but now it's the one that charts, for me, the way a break up should be done.

In conclusion: Under it all I'm actually very happy, more than I ever thought I would be after six months, and I just wanted you all to know.

20 comments:

bluesoup said...

You sound a lot happier and that is what really matters. It is a nice feeling to know that you are over it and actually things are ok, better than ok.

Happy for you x

theperpetualspiral said...

Soupy is right, you sound a lot happier than you were!

Chapati said...

Woo-hoo :)

James said...

Wow sentimental Jo... I was expecting a typically crazy ending, perhaps some guy running after the bus with pants on his head, declaring his love for you.

Good luck to you though Jo, you really sound like you've got your head screwed on. Enjoy the single life while it lasts and I'm sure one day some fella will click with you like you never thought possible.

arbyn said...

Cool. You're in a great place to have a fantastic summer. Enjoy London for me :)

Ellie said...

It's like a 'Carry On' movie. :-)

pinkjellybaby said...

Well you have the legs for it, it's about time you got them out xx

Blonde said...

Ah, that is Good To Hear. Break-ups are never easy, but really glad to hear you're in such a good place. x

Laid Back Lion said...

Very cool that you are moving on. Breakups normally take a while. Go you.

Btw I follow your blog and I've Tagged you in a MEME on mine. Up to you if you want to do it or not. Cheers

blueskies2day said...

Whoop, this is really good! Yay for the positivity.

I am so glad that you are happy and confident. You always seemed that way when you were in a relationship, too.

It's a shame that everyone can't be so comfortable with themselves, I think it's very important and a very valuable trait to have. Congratulations in being exactly what I aim to be! :)

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

bluesoup - Thank you, it feels nice to not have anything on my mind. No worries. Knowing that I am actually better off now.

perp - Ohhh I am.

Chapati - toot toot!

James - Yeah sorry about getting all soppy. Its just good to write it all down you know! Normal service will resume. I'm holding out for that fella!

arbyn - I've got good feelings about London this summer...

Ellie - Are you saying I look like Barbara Windsor?

PJB - Although they are a little pastey. I'll stick to tights for the time being ;)

Blonde - It's been a strange few months of up and down. But lately I've just been more up than down. At last.

Laid Back - Thanks for the MeMe love. I'll click on over and check it out.

blueskies - I think I've always been quite confident, but I was doing a lot of things to make someone else happy. Being single terrified me when I was with my boyfriend, but now I'm back to liking it again.

Scarlett Parrish said...

I'm so happy you've reached this stage. :D

If we knew each other, I'd give you a hug but I don't, so you'll just have to accept my bloggy good wishes. And this comment.

Ella said...

It is amazing how romantic and misinformed we can be in truly believing that life just won't go on if we break up with that person. If I had known that it would I reckon I would've broken up with the ex years earlier.

weenie said...

Great post - you've moved on to the next phase of your life. Excitement beckons!

Reluctant Blogger said...

Yeah good for you. It comes in waves though. I think the phases of knowing you are over it become more common and the gloomy phases become more uncommon.

But even now (18 months later) I still get gloomy phases - usually when I least expect them. But they pass quickly and like you I know I did the right things and I too am glad it is finished. But it still hurts sometimes - well, it's like a dull ache really.

But you are SOOOO young. You have so much to do and enjoy and yeah, great legs. I had those once! Not quite so great four children later!!

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Distance = perspective. Always has. Always will.

Rol said...

That sounds a really healthy response. I remember the big break-ups in my 20s, and it took me a lot longer than 6 months to feel content by myself again.

Miss Milk said...

"The only time I get that heavy feeling is when I remember how horrible it is to feel insecure, to feel that at any moment the person you love might say "this isn't working"."But it goes away.

That's good to know. And good for you. :)

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Scarlett - I'll take a bloggy hug and good wishes. Oh come ere, you.

Ella - Well said. It is crazy how introverted you become, how the world can seem to revolve around one person. When actually, it doesn't.

Weenie - brrrring it onnnn!

Reluctant - Yeah I definitely still fluctuate a bit, like if I allowed myself to talk to him and see his updates and messages on facebook I'd probably be a bit of a mess, but keeping myself away from all that is the best thing I've ever done.

Unbearable - Wise words. Very, very true. Distance and, now, silence I hope.

Rol - Yeah that's the thing. I might not be 100% over him, thats a bit ambitious, but I'm definitely comfortable with being single. Happy and enjoying it, infact.

Miss Milk - I hope I can remember that feeling so that I never let anyone else make me feel insecure again.

You lot have been wicked through all this as well. Seriously...it's like having 20 personal agony aunts.

Time traveller said...

I know exactly how you feel :)

I don't want to be single forever, but I've found I am really enjoying being me - just me, on my own for the first time in, I don't know how long. I know I'll look back and wish I'd taken more advantage of it some day.

The text message comment - about not wanting to be rude etc etc. It's a need to please people and not wanting to let people down etc. But as you say it starts a whole weekend of waiting, repsonding to nothing texts. What's the point of it.

You sound happy and content now. Well Done!

 

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