Wednesday, 25 March 2009

I am a rock, I am an island.

Before I start on this slightly strange post, the attempt at 'teaching' went alright today. But let's nip this career speculation in the bud: I'll stick to writing, ta ;)

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I love Simon and Garfunkel. The Definitive is one of my favourite albums, ever. It reminds me of car journeys with my mum when I was little, when I'd always choose the music and it would nearly always be that cassette.

Now it mostly reminds me of my ex, because we'd sit and listen to it. We'd always sing along to "At the Zoo" in the car when we were off somewhere.

"Well the monkeys stand for honesty, giraffes are insincere, and the elephants are kindly but they're dumb. Orangutans are sceptical of changes in their cages and the zookeeper is very fond of rum"

Then once when we were sailing in Croatia, I climbed onto a rock in the sea and started singing "I AM A ROCK, I AM AN ISLAND!" and absolutely pissing myself (I always make myself laugh, even if no one else does. It's a saving grace).

Now, "I am a rock" just makes me feel happy in the same way that "At the Zoo" makes me a little bit sad. It's that strange thing, sometimes things happen that make you feel like you've achieved a lot and you feel happy, then I feel sad because I can't just ring him up and go "GUESS WHAT!!!" or, I could, but I won't.

The other day I was driving home from work and put that album on, and when "I am a rock" played, I thought about how I was off to Italy and felt all proud of myself. Then I felt sad because I wanted to tell him, to be like "Look at me! look how well I'm doing! All on my own!". He was back on my mind again. Last night I went to bed worrying about a thought that had popped into my head earlier: How long hadn't we been on the same page for?

Today, out of the blue, I got an email from him. A link to a funny BBC news story in the subject, with a choice quote from the article in the main body. I laughed, then felt sad. Zoo, Rock. I've been quiet this evening, lost in thought. Mind everywhere. Emailed back. Told him whats coming up for me. Felt better.

Sometimes I can't articulate myself very well with all this stuff, I can't explain why I'm happy but also sad. It's irritating me that I can't explain it. It's irritating me that I miss him even though I'm busy and happy enough not to, so it doesn't make sense. So this post is a bit strange (sorry) and best ended with the verses from a song that makes my head a little bit clearer, and me a little bit happier, even though it's actually a sad song about being alone. Paradox eh, don't ya just love it.

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

8 comments:

The Unbearable Banishment said...

The paradox is that even though this is a song about isolation, it makes you happy because after listening to it you realize there are others who share the same feelings of separateness that you do. Hence, you don't feel so alone.

pinkjellybaby said...

It's natural to miss him, it will get easier though! xx

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Unbearable - That's the biscuit. It's one of those oddly comforting songs. And it's also the thing that even though it's about being lonely, it's about not having to rely on anyone else to make you happy.

pjb - Its a funny kind of missing him. Its the kind where you know there's no other option.

Mal said...

i love I am a rock too. Its a very emotional song and if listened to properly it has a whole world of meaning.

Its not unsual to seek comfort in it to, as its about solidarity in yourself and that you are stronger now you have loved and lost. thats my interpretation anyway.

ninetyninewords said...

You can't not have some good memories of those we've moved on from (unless they were a complete fucking headcase). It's not so much that we think of them or miss them necessarily but that we miss how we felt in ourselves at those times. That's really what we miss.

cynicalscribble said...

This post makes sense to me, so it's not all that strange. I can't think of any meaningful comment to make though...sorry :(

Good song though, I've never heard that before.

Ellie said...

A little happy and a little sad. I know it. And a little crazy while mostly sane. xxx

Time traveller said...

Don't be sad that he's gone, be happy that you have nice memories to miss him for. It's much better than remembering a bastard x

 

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