On the last two days of my holiday, I did something utterly ridiculous.
I began to fancy someone.
There are many reasons why this isn't actually a ridiculous thing to do; such as the fact that it completely takes my mind away from any ex-boyfriend related downtime and, because something tells me the feeling was reciprocated, it helps to reassure me that I am not Princess Jo, the Ogre of Singledom.
However, it is still ridiculous. That is the only word for it.
From the amount of times I've checked facebook since getting in from work, to the impossible-to-count glances at my phone screen for those precious words 'One Text Message Received' (and yes, predictably, both text messages today have been from T-Mobile), I have become a ridiculous girl who fancies a boy. A boy who lives at the other end of the country, who I am unlikely to see again without some vastly elaborate engineered plan, who has his own life just as I have mine, who I spent most of yesterday texting as he journeyed back up North. From the goodnight text which I have read at least five times, lingering on the 'x' at the end, to the absolute over-thinking about things that haven't and probably will never happen.
As the weeks pass, I am remembering the bits I love and hate about being single; the excitement Vs the not knowing. The freedom Vs the fear. The reassurance Vs the preceding panic.
When I was in a relationship, these were things I didn't think I'd feel again. But looking back, they were actually things I'd felt all along.
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9 comments:
I am not above resorting to a cliché; the heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes, reaching out to an impossibility can be liberating. You are not the first (I have indulged myself!) and you certainly won’t be the last. Don’t be hard on yourself.
Oh shit, I do all that stuff too. I think I was meant to be born a girl. Or a lesbian at any rate.
Nothing wrong with a boy living the other end of the country... I've been doing it (literally and metaphorically speaking) with mine for over a year and he's 120 miles away...
Ah yes, singledom! The over-analysis of EVERYTHING, the worry, the constant torment, the sleepless nights, the very high-highs and the very low-lows ... hang on, nope, that's STILL me.
You've rediscovered gravity and how it's impossible to overcome it. Enjoy the journey.
It's not that grim up north, arrange and visit him! Eeee, young birds in love make the world go round!
Aw, but don't you love it?! It makes like so much more exciting...
i think its fun, but then maybe i do it too much. thanks for the Touche Eclat tip by the way, i got some from the site you mentioned, i like it!
unbearable - you're right. and if reaching out to an impossibility takes my mind off the reality...then I'm all for it.
fwenge - girls, boys, lesbians, gays, we're all at it...the linking word is RIDICULOUS
bluesoup - true true, but it is hard work. All credit to you and les Mechanique for doing it (ahem) long distance.
MOT - haha! Thats exactly what I realised. The ups and downs are part of relationships full stop, whether you're in one or single. In fact, I think I panicked more in a relationship - more to lose.
ninetyninewords - Nicely put, I like that sentiment!
weenie - Ahh, I'm not adverse to a bit of northern travel, but at the moment there's just no excuse...we're just flirty friends...
roseski - You are completely, utterly correct. Has anyone told you that today?
monkey - No problemo. They're quick to deliver on that site too...next day and free delivery, can't beat it.
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