Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Five Things That Shouldn't Be On The Tube

The daily commute is both the high and low point of my day.

The highs include a really good "what have you come as?", the bizarre cross section of people, lingering glances at Tube Crushes through the liberally skin-greased, soft focus glass, train drivers who announce each stop like it's a contender in a boxing match, and of course, getting on the tube in one part of London and emerging, ten minutes later, in another. Well, unless there are delays. 

Which brings me nicely to the lows. Delays, engineering works, tourists stalling by the doors, screaming children, people getting on while you're trying to get off, fainting ladies - and that's just the weekends. 

So to make life easier for all, here are five things that, in my humble opinion, Should Not Be On The Tube.

1. Excess Luggage (not the Scottish)

Contrary to popular belief, men in skirts are always a welcome addition to any tube journey of mine. The gripe here is about the mass of belongings. Fair enough, you've got places to go, people to see, and more baggage to haul across London than Jesus, but rush hour is not the time to do it. Tripping over someone's drum kit is no way to style out that nonchalant commuter vibe.

 2. Crotch Shots

To quote 1990's gameshow host Roy Walker, this man's bright red socks are good, but they're not the one. However, the 90 degree angle at which his legs are splayed is. Men, I understand you have "junk in your trunk", but spare a thought for those of us who are faced with the inglorious sight of your trousered cock crease for the duration of our journey. Yeah. Didn't think of that one, did ya.

 3. Burberry Man Bags

There are no excuses. Just. Say. No. 

 4. Your left over food
"Oh, what's this? I seem to have a satsuma in my bag! I think I need to eat the satsuma before I get to my destination. Uh oh, what's this coming off in my hand? Skin? Eek! I didn't count on this happening - and what's more, it's now burning through my hands like toxic waste! URGH! Begone, foul orange satsuma skin. Lay thee on the floor and on the air vents aft for other people to step on and / or avoid sitting near, lest they do themselves a mischief."

 5. Dogs

Ha! Only joking. I bloody LOVE dogs on the tube. My day is practically made if there's a dog on my train: I can do nothing except engineer a situation where I am as close to the dog as possible, in order to go "Oh! doggle! Hi doggle! Doggle, doggle, doggle!" and stroke it while boring the owner senseless until my stop. In my opinion, every carriage should have a canine in residence. Preferably a proper one, e.g. Labrador, basset hound or, my tube dog of choice, the Pyrenean Mountain Dog: because when it comes to pets in transit, the bigger the better.

 Owners in green trousers, on the other hand...


Blonde said...

I quite often share my commute with a guide dog. He's far better behaved than the majority of the human commuters.

LyleD4D said...

I do the same, Blonde - on the District line to St James Park.

Anonymous said...

Ah Jo. Again you remind me why I love your blog so much. Thanks - just what I needed to read after a long, tiring day (that is still not over).

lenmarsh said...

Cyclists! Cyclists with bikes that DO NOT FOLD UP should not be allowed on public transport at rush hour. You have a bike! Bloody ride it! [Rant over.]

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Blonde - Guide dogs are angels. Annoyingly if they're at work, you're not supposed to fuss over them though. Always a hindrance for me.

LyleD4D - All hail the working dogs! They make everyone around them grin.

Soup - Glad it did the job :)

len - Yes! WHY HAZ YOU BIKE IF YOU NO BIKE aghghghghhhh

Breeza said...

Thank God the LA metro won't allow food or drinks. It's already gross enough!

P said...

Leftover food is one of my pet subway peeves! It's completely unnecessary!

In relation to the crotch shot one, it's not the crotch that annoys me... it's the fact they feel the need to spread their legs out WAAAAYYYY More than necessary to imply that the contents of their crotch need THAT much space. Yeah - Keep dreaming, dude.

London-Lass said...

I heartily agree - a dog should be planted on every carriage. In fact, remove the commuters and bring on the canines.

Leigh said...

I drive to work so never get the joy of sharing my commute with a dog but we once had a bomb sniffing dog visit our office because Prince Charles was visiting the theatre below us. Best. Day. Ever!


Blog Template by - RSS icons by ComingUpForAir