Thursday, 29 May 2008

Ferne - What a bristley broom feels like

I dislike the British TV presenter Fearne Cotton.

She is a hinderance to good television and radio.

Anyway. You should listen to me you know, I don't just chat crap about these people to amuse myself. I am a h'actual truth teller, so when I say Paris Hilton's armpits smell like a funky duck...I mean it. And when I mention in passing that Fearne Cotton's natural facial hair is so thick that funky ducks nest in it and that magazines want to know more about how she tends to her facial flock...well...I'm not joking.

Imagine my amusement when I switched on the TV and heard the most fitting celebrity endorsement of a product yet. Ever. Oh yes. Hairy chops Cotton is cheif announcer for none other than Veet, the hair removal cream. Observe:

Never mind that like most hair removal creams, this stuff couldn't shift mud from under a waterfall, our Cotton has been earmarked as the person for the job. It's quite sensible actually, trust Veet to advertise using the voice of someone who, like their product, attempts and fails miserably to have smooth results.

"That's it ferne, a little bit more sensual please, come on, really endorse the hair removal cream. Say it like you mean it"

Must have been a reeeaaaaaaaaal challenge.


Boy said...

Your hatred of the Cotton never fails to amuse me.

I'd gotten the impression off friends that Veet was quite good, but smelt of death?

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

I've got time for the Veet wax strips. But as for the hair removal creme...I've yet to find one that does exactly what it does on the tin. Smelling like death is about right too. And stinging a little bit.

Laser Runner said...

But, we love Ferne in this house. I'll have to start a WLF (we love Fearne) blog.


Reluctant Blogger said...

Ah you haven't had a go at Cotton for ages. I thought perhaps you had become smitten????

As for Veet (still can't get used to the fact that it isn't called Immac) it's crap. I think everyone tries it once cos it does sound easy and painless.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

laser - Welcome. It's ok, she's got you under her witchy spell. It's ok that you're falling for her insincere charms. You can be safe in the knowledege that if you ever meet her, she will smile, laugh at your jokes and declare you her new best friend. Before cackling into her cauldron, that is.

reluctant - I'm like a coiled spring, ready to pounce. A silent hunter, if you will. I'm so glad I'm not the only one with Veet troubles. Either our leg hairs are particularly stubborn or the product just doesn't work..Hmmm.. I wonder which it is..

London-Lass said...

Yes, the bug-eyed hairy one is quite irritating. Although I've always wondered why in particular you single out Ferne Cotton when, let's face it, the Land of TV is overflowing with vacuous non-personalitied talentless wastes of space. Have you actually had personal dealings with her that blew up in your face? (If so, spill! That is an order) Or is it just cos she has that certain `je ne sais quois' that sets her head & shoulders above all the other losers?

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Well LondonLass, I can answer those questions for you. No, I have never had face to hair contact with Miss Cotton, my dislike comes from when I saw her sidling up to X Factor contestants and trying to pretend (badly) that she actually cared what happens to them. Condescending. Bit too happy / interested / polished presenter performance for my liking. A bit like Kate Thornton who I hated too. Then I saw her "interview" the Princes and laugh at everything they said. Great big guffaws at things that weren't funny.

Homer said...

*whispers* I find Veet very effective on the old lady-garden, although staggering around the bathroom like an arse-raped John Wayne for 10 minutes isn't fun.

Boy, you are right about the smell.

Laser Runner said...

sorry, sorry, sorry - you were right - the fuzz has grown back already. Even the picture has fuzzed up

China Blue said...

I don't mind Fearne, personally. Veet is good for sweeping deforestation, and a much better alternative to dealing with facial hair than bleaching. And much less traumatic than waxing.

I find it quite amusing to look at women who bleach their upper lips, little realising they look like Hulk Hogan.

Skinny Girl said...

I hate Fern. She talks funny.

pawpads said...

I don't mind Ferne. I think she's the best of a bad bunch of girls~that~age~and~on~the~telly.

The one I really hate is June Sarpong and that Miquita one.


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