Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Urrr...not up for that, ta.

I don't do a lot. I used to. I used to horse ride every day, swim, play tennis...but first came uni, then came full livery for my horse, then came a job and it's left me thinking 'hmmm, I should probably do something', because...well...I don't. Cue the cliches "Oh if only shopping was a sport! Arf arf arf!"; and a fortnightly walk around Hampstead Heath does not a fitness regime make. Trying to pay my own way more than I have been doing means that getting my mum to put me on the membership of her plush sports club is also a no-no. She's offered, but I want somewhere on the way home from work to increase the chances of me actually using the place and I want to pay for it myself. Yeah, I know. Mental.

So it is with great expectations that I looked up my local pikey swimming pool / fitness thing; prices seemed reasonable, nightly exercise classes mean I can avoid the monotony of a gym, it's on my drive home from the station, and best of all if I don't fancy a membership, I can just pay to use the pool when I want.

This morning I packed my bikini, a towel and a quid for the locker in a suitably sporty bag, ready to make my debut appearance at the pool and knacker myself out after 2 lengths after work this evening. I logged onto the pool website this afternoon to check that my arrival wouldn't coincide with a child drowning lesson and unfortunately, stumbled on something rather worse.

It appears that the evening slot on a Tuesday is designated Pube Afternoon, which I can only guess means that only people with extreme hair dans la sud can use the facilities. To be honest, I don't really fit the bill and even if I could wait until 8 for an swim minus pubes, I'm not sure the whole "public / pubic splash sesh" appeals any more. General riff-raff and their hairy bits floating around? No ta. I think I'll try jogging.


nuttycow said...


Thanks for the mental image.

James said...

Fantastic where is this place again? I'm going to have to attend and perform my underwater with mouth open swimming technique. Yum.


Clarissa said...

Oh, James! Your idea of floss?


London-Lass said...

Yeuch. Although pubic hair is rather waterproof (certainly dries in seconds) so perhaps it is more buoyant than first expected?

Girl Vino said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!Pubic swims eh? I thought they just went along for the ride...turns out the have a fitness time all of their own!

Robbie said...

I remember when I joined the gym earlier late last year. I planned on going at least twice a week.

We eneded up going about twice, EVER. I'm rubbish at sticking to ideas.

Although I am looking forward to having a pool in back garden. If you want to write up a schedule for me to leave on the side I sure will.

Reluctant Blogger said...

haha oh dear. Not an appealing image at all.

My ex rather wearingly always uses the word "pubic" in place of public. When the word "library" would suffice, he has to say "pubic library" - it ceased to be funny many many years ago.

Why don't you run? Running is ace. You don't have to do it for very long to stay slim and fit.

pinkjellybaby said...

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee way way to early for that.

Boy said...

Gross. What an unfortunate state of affairs. Does this mean that those with shaven netheregions cannot go swimming at these times?

surviving myself said...

hahaha - Pubes are the worst thing ever.

that's why I'm all clean down there.

too much?


Marika said...

HA! That's hilarious.

On Australia Day a few years ago they hung huge banners outside our central (landmark) train station wishing everyone a great Austraia Day 2004. They left out the 'l' (or nicked the banners from Austria and put in an extra 'a'). I often wondered if someone got fired for that.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

nutty - You are most welcome!


Clarissa - Bahahaha my thoughts exactly.

Londonlass- No doubt it would render all floating devices unnecessary.

Girl - I shudder to think of the view from the spectators platform.

robbie - Haha, you know what...I joined mum's gym today. I'm a sell out. I must stick to it.

Reluctant - That kinda sounds like how I use the word 'excrement' instead of 'excellent'. I'm hilarious a lot of the time.

PJB - Morning swim, anyone?

Boy - I'm guessing so, I certainly stayed well away...

Survivng - No, I quite enjoyed that particular comment.

Marika - That takes public pikeyness to a whooollle new level.

Ladyshambles said...

That makes me shudder for two reasons:

a) Spelling mistakes make me uncomfortable.

b) I was going to head to the local pool for a healthy paddle this afternoon, but as it's pissing with rain, I think I'd be safer in the nearest puddle.

You never can be too careful.

The IT Girl said...

Hehehehe. That. Is. Brilliant.

I won't take 'public swim' seriously ever again.

(By the way, your blog rocks.)

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

ladyshambles - a puddle is definitely a better option. Pubes and kiddy wee do not a good healthy swim make.

the it girl - Thanks. And I now also find it hard to think public without pubes popping up somewhere. Urgh. What a mental image.


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