Thursday, 13 September 2007

When Nachos Go Bad

We went to see the Bourne Ultimatum the other week. Me, not really remembering the first one and having no big recollection of the second, more or less went along because boyfriend wanted to see it. And because I have this immense urge every time I see Matt Damon on screen to say 'Matt Daaaammmoonnnnnnnnnnnnnnn", like this:

Hahahahahhahahahahhahaaa. I can't help it. It just tickles me in a place South Park can't reach.

Anyway, so then Boyfriend decided he was hungry. Usually I try and dissuade him from buying popcorn in the cinema, I find a distraction such as "Ooh, look! Biiiigg screeeeeen! Keira Knighhhhtley possstterrr!" usually works, or by making us turn up a bit late so he won't have time to get any. This is partly because I hate that cinemas charge £3.70 or something for a small box of popcorn which actually cost them about 1p to produce. I also hate listening to other people eat in the cinema. I hate smelling the rancid food people bring into the cinema. I do not understand why noisy, messy and smelly food is traditional cinema food, i.e. Nachos, hot dogs, popcorn, crisps. I've ranted about them before and by god I shall continue. But alas, if you must eat, at least do it quietly.

It is the latter my boyfriend invariably fails to do.

He's not especially noisy the whole way through the popcorn-eating-process, just that the bit he pops it into his mouth, and instead of closing his lips around it and crunching quietly, he chucks it to the back of his mouth with a CCCCRUNCH. So we are clear, it is this initial CCCCRUNCH I take issue with; the rest is fine. The author of this blog's boyfriend does not, I repeat, does NOT eat with his mouth open.

So when he decided he was hungry, and the distraction tactics failed and he made a beeline for the food counter, I was like "ohhh, must you? Please don't cccrunch it". Then came the clincher. "I haven't had dinner. I'm going to get some nachos, too". "OHHHH MUST YOU???? Noooo, they'll stink and be awful...bleeugrhhh and its expensivvvveee" ranted I. However, once sir gets his mind set, there's no changing it. It was like my worst cinema nightmare. I hate it when people eat Nachos in the cinema, and here was my boyfriend embarking on just that. Here's how it went.

Jo: Urgh.

BF: One salted popcorn and one nachos and a coke please.

Jo: At least get sweet popcorn so I can have some.

BF: No.

Jo: Humph. Please don't get nachos.

Staff member: Cheese?

BF: Yes please. Mmm. Hush Jo, you'll be the one wanting some when I've got nachos.

[At this point I see the Staff Member pouring what can only be described as steaming, yellow poo into a pot beside the nachos.]

Jo: I don't think so, somehow.

BF: What the fuck is that.

Jo: That, I think you'll find, kind sir, is your cheese.

BF (to the Staff Member, pointing at the yellow runny shit): Excuse me, what's that?

Staff Member: Dats cheese, init.

Jo: (Cannot talk at the moment, too busy pissing herself) Mmmmmmmmmmm!

BF: (Looking distinctly unimpressed with the "cheese") That does not look like cheese.

Staff Member: Eight pounds fifty please.

[Please note, the cinema tickets cost a tenner and also please note that the previous night, we'd got one of those yummy Sainsburys take away curry packs for about £6.50 and couldn't finish it all]

Now bare in mind my boyfriend reads this blog. Therefore, by deduction, he has read my rants about the foul smellingness of cinema food. When the nachos, having produced a sniff of 'eurgh' from the people we squeezed in next to (of course we were a bit late in...) were demoted to the floor after he'd picked round the cheese and declared them "a bit minging", the smell decided to linger at my feet for the entire film. Wave upon wave of foul smelling runny yellow cheese stink. The fact that I bent down to get something from my bag and accidentally kicked his box of popcorn, spilling half the contents, wasn't actually done on purpose, but quite a fitting turn of events given the circumstances.

The beauty of the whole situation was that I didn't have to utter a word in order for the experience to become a lesson learnt. He will not be getting nachos again in the cinema; when even I turn down food, there's gotta be something seriously wrong with it. Boyfriend's tummy was not a happy place that night and when the grumblings and stomach growlings started, a quick "Must have been the nachos" sufficed.

Luckily the film was good and is therefore recommended to anyone who hasn't seen it. But please don't eat through the film and, if you happen to be with your whole entire family who don't speak English, please don't give them a running commentary in Indian the whole way through.

But that, my friends, is another story.

I'm off shopping.


pink jellybaby said...

heheh i'm afraid i HAVE to get popcorn when i go to the cinema, it's just not the same with out it... but The Boy doesn't like cinema going so we've only been once in a year and a half... :(

Beverley said...

It is day light robbery. We spent fifteen pounds on three kids for sweets the other day at a similar place, though some of the sweets were quite interesting shapes.

Great to see your comment on my blog. Did you go to one of the universities? I know it all well, because so did I. Also know Newland Ave very well. Am very interested to know where you studied and why you are now in London LOL

China Blue said...

'Kinell. Nachos are made from what the pedicurist scrapes off my feet with a corn shaver, reconstituted with added ming'n'mustybollox and left in the corner for a month to absorb the locker room flavas of the Year 11 boy's basketball/football team of my local comp. ChinaBlueTrufax.

They are fucking, fucking horrible, and the BF will never eat them again or darken your mouth with the threat of a be-nacho'd kiss.

Bourne Ultimatum is all right, though. Saw it last night.

Steph said...

You have hit on one of my many pet peeves. Why must anyone eat in the cinema at all?? Let alone smelly, greasy shit!

I once sat next to a guy who ploughed through a fucking bucket of KFC. I've never wanted to kill someone more in my life.

Miss Understood said...

Perhaps that's why the drive-in was invented? People can wallow in their cheese-stink infested cars without inflicting it on anybody else. We are so behind the times.

Shameless said...

This definitely needs to go in room 101. I also despise people who eat on trains or metros or lifts, stinking out small enclosed spaces is just wrong. I went through a stage of only going to the cinema in the day so that I could be sure I wouldn't have anyone sitting directly behind, in front or next to me but then that was a little anal..

Jo said...

pjb - that's a bit rubbish. we go all the time, but i try to feed him beforehand to avoid popcorn incidents and chomping.

beverley - urrghh i hate the way sweets and stuff are so expensive in some places like theme parks they get enough money you'd think...

china blue - what an accurate description. and you are right - he definitely will not :D

steph - you've got to be kidding me. a whole bucket of kfc? i'd go mental on his face.

miss understood - i really want to go to a drive in cinema. know of any?

shameless - there's something great about a packed cinema though, you get a good reaction and stuff from everyone watching...but then i love not having to listen to talking, eating, sniffing...whatever when it's quiet.

Harriet said...

I once sat next to a guy that not only snuck in Dixie Chicken that smelt like honey convered puke, but also spent twenty minutes of the film SCREAMING down his mobile phone to his "bredrin" who were obviously deaf.

I got so angry I turned round and said if he wanted to talk through the movie could he do so in English not in psuedo-ghetto speak and could he hurry up and finish his "food" because it was making the whole of the first row feel like puking.

The guy actually shut up for the rest of the movie, I recommend yelling at people it really works!
I totally understand the not rubbing in the "I told you so" thing to the boyfriend, they get very defensive when you do that and don't take in the lesson!
xxx xxx

Mr Farty said...

I love nachos. Proper nachos that you get in a nacho place with melted cheese, chilli beef, sour cream, salsa sauce, guacamole and a tiny bit of chilli pepper, not cinema nachos.

Cinema nachos are the Spawn of Satan.


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