Thursday, 23 August 2007

Oh, the's too much...

At the moment I'm up in Hell (/Hull) for the week, dog-sitting two walking carpets (one of whom I discovered must be deaf because he just stares blankly whenever I say anything to him) and generally getting my dissertation together.

So last night was spent ploughing head first through 4 bottles of wine with 3 university friends who are also here for the summer. Not the sort of friends that would tell you if your cheap (free) mascara you got from Company Magazine was sliding its way down your face all evening, but friends nonetheless.

One of the girls, a 2nd year, was telling us that she had a date lined up for Thursday, someone she'd met in a bar a few weeks ago as they were both standing outside with her smoker mates, not smoking, and so the pair got talking. "The great thing about the smoking ban..." she said to us "...Is that you can actually talk to people when you're outside, and meet new people that way instead of shouting over the music". Fair enough, I conceded. So, how did you spark up this stunning conversation then? And here's how it went.

Girl [fluttering eyelashes]: I saw you in the club, and thought 'he's gotta be a rugby player'. Are you?
Boy [tensing muscles]: Ummm well I don't really have the build for it, no! Why do you say that?
Girl [still looking sultry]: Because of your nose.
Boy: [silence]
Girl: It's been broken hasn't it?
Boy: No, I had an operation on it.
Girl [flirting]: Oh, so you've had plastic surgery ehhh!
Boy: No, when I was born I had a cleft palate.
Girl: [silence]
Boy: I needed to breathe.

Now, don't get me wrong...and the girl got a date out of it so kudos to her....but doesn't that strike you as the most unflattering conversation to have with a bloke the first time you meet them? So I said "Well you better make sure you leave the nose subject alone then tomorrow!", to which she replied "Oh I don't know, it'll probably be quite a good talking point! We can have a joke about it". Hmmm. I'm not sure if cleft palates tend to raise a laugh, generally...

And so the conversation moved on to, err, breast feeding and the ins and outs of having babies (mostly the outs, oh the horror stories we've heard), to which Friend 2 announced "I'm not going to breast feed, I'd feel like a vending machine".

So, just a snippet of the intellect that we were spouting last night there... Safe to say at about half 2 this morning we finished the last of the wine and I called a cab. Did the cabbie know where he was going? Did he hell. It's not like I was asking to go to London - just the nearest village to where we were "You know, where the Halls of residence are? Near there?" [blank look] Such a pain in the arse when cabbies don't know the area. And it's 2:30am. And you're pissed. So after directing him the whole 5 minutes drive away I got dropped off and tottered into bed, wondering when in the evening I'd cried enough to make my mascara do its face marathon. Bah.

Today will start after 2 paracetamols and Eastenders.


London-Lass said...

"... wondering when in the evening I'd cried enough to make my mascara do its face marathon ..."

Consider yourself lucky. I usually only find this out after working nearly a whole day in the office and have a quick go on the office loo. And that's without any sort of crying or tear-inducing activity. And yet on other days makeup stays on brilliantly.

As for the weird conversation, it is quite common round my parts (well not `my parts' biologically but geographically speaking) for guys to hook a babe in a bar or club by whispering in their ear a random insult. Why these girlies would then consider going on a date with these creatures, let alone carry on talking to them, is beyond me.

amillionpieces said...

Kudos to your friend, I think that is possibly the best opening ever. Mock a birth defect, point out something that may make him a little bit different and appear totally unsympathetic to it. Clearly it's some level of genius above all of our comprehension. Either that or she's got inhumanely good eyelashes.

James said...

The whole mascara thing really made me laugh...sorry.

Miss Understood said...

I once had a 'first' conversation which didn't go too well either. I was showing a woman how to use the chest press in the gym, and said it'd give her boobs like a 15 year old. 20 minutes later when I looked down, I realised she actually had one missing. Breast cancer.

I felt like such a dork.

londongirl said...

I'm with amillionpieces - completely flummoxed as to how your friend converted an insensitive insult into a pulling technique.

Is she fiendishly hot?

Jo said...

londonlass - facking free mascara bollocks. I'd have told me!

a millionpieces & londongirl:She's hot, but the thing is she couldn't really remember exactly what he looked like. due to 'Beer goggles' or my guess is that he's not all that hot and was therefore able to overlook her starting

james - that's ok, i'm here for your amusement

miss understood...blimey, cancer definitely beats cleft palate on the awkward conversation scale. Fact. You win

pink jellybaby said...

i'm loving your pictures... aces.

oh and i also love the conversations us girls end up having... a lot of the time, my friends and i end up talking about *whispers* bum sex...

Beefcake Almighty said...


Another case of "Open Mouth, Insert Foot."

Jo said...

PJB - haha, that's a staple of any girly convo. Someone always ends up saying how it feels like you're having a poo.

Beefcake - Or, open cleft palate, insert foot.

Harriet said...

I had the pleasure of visiting Hull a few weeks ago and I can definately say that I would rather use "Hell" to describe it. My heart goes out to you.

And with friends like those, you need waterproof mascara and tomato ketchup to put on their chairs later which you conveniently dont point out to them...

xxx xxx


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