Friday, 4 May 2007

Kinky Kiss O Gram, anyone?

Last night I went to a mate's surprise birthday party (lets ignore the fact that I almost ruined the surprise by not knowing the address of the house, being on the phone to my boyfriend going WHAT BLOODY HOUSE IS IT...NO IT'S NOT 24 I'M OUTSIDE 24...OH SHIT SHE'S WALKING DOWN THE ROAD. FUCK. QUICK!! WHAT HOUSE!!' by the time he told me, I'd jumped into someones garden hoping that she would stop further up the road, unfortunately she carried on walking and I popped out from behind a wall 'Oh! Hiya...ummm...just came to say Happy Birthday!' and sheepishly followed her into the house. Luckily she didn't question what I was doing in her neighbours garden...)


Anyway, for her birthday, her housemates went against her strict instructions not to and got her a stripper. 'Wahoo' I hear the girls cry 'Tanned, hot bodied, six pack clad male come to strip for us. Yessssss'. Not so. Why? Because this is England. And just like all the other strippers I've had the misfortune to watch for various friends' birthdays, I'd have paid this one an extra tenner to keep his clothes on as well.


In walks 'Kinky Kiss O Grams' finest police man offering: Sergeant Pastey, bleach blonde hair, ginger eyebrows, face only a mother could love. Grinning tracksuit bottom clad sidekick waiting at the door with a large gym bag whose job is to pick up the clothes as quickly as his mate's shedding them and hand him all the lotions and potions he needs. Have you ever seen a stripper with a personal assistant?


Ok, so we did find it extremely amusing to see our mortified friend squirming in absolute terror at Chief Inspector Rancid rubbing his crotch in her face (I should add that his leather thong did not quite contain both testicles, and one was clearly vi sable throughout the ordeal causing the blokes in the room much anguish). And it was absolutely classic entertainment when she ordered two of her friends to join her on a chair to face the 'finale' of the most unsexy simulated sex act I have ever witnessed, only for the chair to completely break as all three of them recoiled in horror to get away from him and his escapee ball. He then lay her on the ground and proceeded to perform a process known only as 'tea bagging' to her face. I'll leave it there (he did). You think I'm joking about anything? Observe:





Which brings me to the question of whether men stripping can ever be attractive, or is the point of hiring a stripper not, as Desperate Housewives and The O.C would suggest, to get some raunchy man-action, but merely to humiliate the hell out of a friend on a special occasion?



For me at least, the experience was like watching someone trip and fall into a pond. You piss yourself laughing but think 'blooody hell. thank GOD it wasn't me'.





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