Friday, 27 April 2007

# Don't Go Breakin My Heart....

In my third year at uni, our house of 3 boys and 2 girls was joined by another girl, who we'd lived with in first year in halls. I'll call her The Dumper. Over the course of the year she ended up shagging our other housemate, who I'll call The Dumpee (can you see where this is heading?). They kept it quiet for a few weeks before it all came out and no one in our house was all that impressed; he was really keen, she had a bit of a reputation and this new coupley addition to our matey house made us all feel a bit awkward. 'Oh yeah?' we all said when the news got out. 'Wonder how long that's gonna last...'


Well, one year, three months actually.


To be fair, it's still lasting, but only because that selfish, head-fucking little cow is succeeding in driving my mate, The Dumpee, absolutely nuts. Having got to the stage where they are talking about post-uni plans (he is still at uni, she has left), including housing arrangements (note: she wanted to buy, not rent), she decided to ring him up out of the blue and request a break for a month, right in the middle his final year exam / essay time. And we all know what that means. So I have just spent the last hour and a half on MSN watching my heartbroken mate try and cling on to whatever this girl has left him, which is a ban on texting or calling her, and load of her belongings that she wants sent by post. And I left him awaiting the verdict, it had been an hour and there was no reply to 'can we meet up to sort this out?'. Talk about leaving someone in the lurch. Anyway - I can, and did sympathise, being The Dumpee is a situation I know well.


To summarise the position of The Dumpee it for those who don't know, it usually goes something like this.


First, The Dumper gets out the text book of Things to Say When Dumping Someone and flips straight to Chapter One: Reel off the following lines to Dumpee: 'I still want to be friends', 'I just need time to think about what I want', 'I'm just not ready for a relationship like this' , 'There's no one else, I swear' and the classic...(all together now) 'It's not you, it's me'.


Oh, how you cling on to the possibility of a 'Let's try again' but like most text books, there's always one page torn out. Then we have anger: a slamming of the front door in his face on hearing the news, perhaps, unanswered phone calls / texts...then tears, followed by obligitory night out with the girls and copious amounts of alcohol, followed by more tears and the subsequent hangover from hell resulting in Chapter Two: The Worst Day of Your Life So Far. Then its a slow realisation of the signs leading up to it that weren't apparent through your rose tinted glasses, then more anger and an attempt to completely ignore him - but you still ask about to see if he has any new girls on the scene. And if you get Chapter Three: The Reconciliation (very unlikely) you do not hesitate in forgiving and taking The Dumper straight back, pissing your mates off in the process. Otherwise, and more usually, you feel shit, then life picks up and eventually gets back to normal. Lessons learnt, heart repaired.


Now back to my friend's situation. Our Miss. Dumper has followed the Text Book to a T. She has fed him all of the lines as recommended in Chapter One, but is then holding off on the rest of the book. Like she lost her page or something at Chapter Two so he's just in this perpetual state of feeling shit. And it's this that makes me angry. I wrote the above based on the meaningless relationships I've had that have lasted all of about three weeks. Imagine those impersonal cliches being used when you've been with someone for ages. You can't use the Dumping Text Book for a long term relationship - thats not optimum usage, there are rules to be followed. Or else you become a truely heartless bitch.


I suppose I just felt for him because when someones used the Text Book on me, it's been after some stupidly small amount of time, weeks, a couple of months perhaps - and that seemed bad enough. I can't imagine what it would be like for someone you've been considering as life-long material to turn round and use it. Surely you owe the person more than that? The worst thing is that us other housemates could all see it coming from the start, given The Dumper's reputation, but we all hoped it would be sooner rather than later. And the other bad thing is, I'm happily with lovely boyfriend, which he knows, so I had to stop myself sounding patronising and saying something like 'well me and blah blah...'.


Its usually blokes who are the meanies, but this time it's the girl I want to throttle. I want to text her and say Stop pissing my mate about you complete slag! Come and see him face to face and tell him one way or the other'. And he's actually going a bit mental and irrational thinking of ways to get back at her if it goes nasty, ways to find out if there's another man on the scene by checking online accounts...surely it'd be easier just to talk to him instead of driving him to all that?


Know what I mean? Like, is this normal Dumper behaviour no matter what the time scale?? C'est horriblé!


Ack, am off to London later on today for the weekend to watch (dryslope)boarding and get pissed. Back on Sunday, until then - tell me your relationship woes and dumping stories. Adios.

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