Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Jo = Mental, fact.

4 missed calls
1 text message received
from: Jo
to: Boyfriend
time: 10pm
message: Call me. I'm going mental :(

Yesterday I went a little bit nuts. This is a sort of public apology to the boyfriend who was probably the second person (after me) affected by my little trip into weirdsville. The other day you know how I posted I was feeling moody for no apparent reason and thought it may be the pill, and as much as I hate blaming such a thing, it appears this may be what's sending me temporarily mad every so often. Bare with me while I explain.

I felt absolutely fine yesterday. Never better; mum had suggested a shopping trip to Brent Cross to round off her working at home day and I'd found my there was still some Clinique foundation left in the bottle. All was good with the world. That was until my mum, sitting next to me at the kitchen table each with our bowls of Heinz tomato soup, said seven little words that changed the course of the day. "Is everything ok with you and boyfriend?"
I almost laughed, silly question. Yes, of course, everything's fine. Why do you ask?
"Just, you know, you haven't seen him so much lately"

That started the wheels in motion. The Paranoia Mouse woke up and started running on the little wheel in my head. At first, I rationalised: I'd seen him at the weekend, granted for an evening and a morning as he had other arrangements...and the weekend before....and no I wasn't seeing him this weekend as he was going home to see his parents, but I was busy anyway. Of course everything was fine, no, he hadn't rung last night, but he'd text...and even though his dad was coming up this week he's still going home...and no he hasn't invited me but that's ok...and I'd asked if he wanted to meet this week after work, and he'd said maybe, but if we don't it's cool as he's tired after work. It's cool. Or is it?

And so the thought process continued, an anxious little drumming in my head of what-if-what-if-what-if...and "but how do you know?" and I got myself ready to go shopping, heartbeat increasing by the minute. "Oh mum, I wish you hadn't asked me that question. You've got me thinking now" I said. "I didn't mean anything by it, it was just an outside perspective. You're right, of course there's nothing wrong, sorry."

But of course it was too late. I was getting the sort of panics you get when you're newly in a relationship and they don't text back or ring you and you start assuming the worst; everything seems to fit to your negative agenda. Why has someone else thought that? What if I'm missing something blindingly obvious? What if he's getting bored of me? I have to talk to him. The thoughts dulled a bit as I shopped (1 x pair of Mary Janes from Kurt Geiger, my second in a month; 3 tops and a pair of trousers) and were quelled when he rang as usual after work on his way home. I didn't want to bring my worries up while pondering items in Fenwicks, so I said I'd call him when I got back. No problem, the world is right again.

That was fine until I got home. I rang him to tell him my crazy thoughts, there was no reply. Paranoia Mouse finished his siesta and resumed exercise on the Wheel of Doubt. He's not answering my calls. I called again 15 mins later. No reply. Oh god, he's not answering my calls. He doesn't want to talk to me. He's bored of me, he's realised he's better off without me, I'm a hindrance to his busy day, I'm about to call and stress him out, oh god I'm calling again. I'm crying a little bit. I'm panicking. My heart's going. I'm frantically tidying my room, trying to regain control of at least something seeing as my mind is clearly mental. I'm going to be single. He wasn't going away to see his parents this weekend and get his hair cut away from London prices; he was going so that he didn't have to see me. I rang again. I sent the text message. I switched on ITV and watched Superhuman Giants, placating myself with the vision of a 7ft 9 Mongolian man.

Eventually, the phone rang. One cheery "Helllooooo!" and I burst into tears. "What's wrong???" he asked, concerned. "I've had a bad daaaaaaaaaay" and the wailing commenced. As soon as I heard his voice and "Oh you silly thing, listen to you howling!" I knew I'd been completely mental. Every single bad thought went away in about 5 minutes, an invitation to drive to Fulham for a hug was issued and I was reassured.

Ladies and gents, mentalists and circus clowns...I was officially insane for about 8 hours today. I was not in a happy place. A relationship is a very nice safe place to be, I'm in a happy one and have been for the last year and 10 months. Therefore, there are two explanations for my D-tour into Paranoia: 1) the new Pill. 2) Very very occasionally my brain chooses to state and dwell on the obvious: that being so entirely in love with someone comes with the deep down knowledge that without them, life would go downhill rather quickly, Oblivion at Alton Towers stylee. That's a scary thought and this is why most people in normal, happy relationships with lovely boyfriends, myself included 99.9% of the time, don't give it a second thought. Such thoughts do, however, often result in a tidy room.

To him with the mental, howling, blubbering mess of a girlfriend: sorrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyy!


one girl said...

Why is it exactly that we always start assuming the worst? Maybe it's something with the moon as you, me and MJ are all a little off. And don't worry everyone goes loopy now and then :)

Lapa said...

Thank you once again.

Sorry, but you felt in love to me.

Does your boyfriend know?


Lapa said...

We've never loved before.
What we do love
is the idea
of once have loved...


James said...

Yes you need to get rid of that mouse in your head, maybe some cheese by your ear will coax him out.

Still if all goes wrong with boyfriend, I'm sure you and Lapa would make a lovely couple, you could sit and read novels translated into Portuguese together.

londongirl said...

Hon. We all have moments of paranoia - it's entirely normal! And you're lucky to have such a lovely bloke who's happy to reassure you.

Marika said...

Oh...I know that really is the depths of despair.

But then...when everything is ok again, that sense of relief is the happiest thing in the world.

Glad everything is ok.

Jo said...

one girl - oh tell me about it. It's such a girl thing - this horrible fear! Let's hope it's the moon and nothing pill sized :D

lapa - H'ok

James - I'm reassured by the same thought. Ha. Yeah you're right I should probably get the mouse thing looked at :-/

londongirl - Indeed, he's quite used to my crazy thoughts, luckily I don't test his tolerance too often though. :)

Marika - So glad I'm not the only one who gets this FEAR every so often. Sends me loopy. I often feel relieved and then quite guilty for letting my mind run like that, but then it's also true that I have no control over it, or it wouldn't happen in the first place I suppose.

overnighteditor said...

Now I want to go on a gameshow called "Wheel of Doubt"

Lapa said...

I feel like if I were in the sky.

I'm the best of the worst.

So, I'm the best of something...

It is not that bad.

You've got to recognize.

And I'm writing in your Universal Language very badly, but understandable after all.

I changed my look just for you, my friend.

I hope you like.

This sculpture was made in cement by a great artist friend of mine named Eugénio Macedo.

You'll talk to me tomorow.

Sleep tight!

Lapa said...

There are a few posts written in English, THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE.

Miss Understood said...

Uugh. I hate days like that. I'm glad it was only a temporary blip.

Jo said...

overnight editor - it'd be crap. I wonder what the prize would be? A weekend in Iraq perhaps.... 'You never know what's going to happen!!'

miss understood - that it was, a bit scary yet temporary trip away to nuts

Venting said...

I'm the same, always thinking of the worst. :(

Your bf sounds lovely though, so chin up!

Drama Queen said...

Heyhey. We all get those days, even wgeb we live with the guy and see him everyday ;-)

Jo said...

DQ and Venting - Mental us women, aren't we?

I wonder what the bloke equivalent is.


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