Sunday, 2 September 2007


Whats that? Oh, just two copies of my 20,000 word masters dissertation...done...bound...given in. Aren't they pretty? Thats my name in gold lettering on the side that is (don't get excited, I've mashed up the name just incase any h'absolute keenos feel to try and hunt me down on arsebook / myspace, you mentalists). So having spent the week h'actually WAITING for Friday my whole week in Hell/Hull was geared towards Friday 31st August, it then got to Thursday night and could I get to sleep? Noooo way. It was SO annoying.

Then it was awake at half 7...even though my alarm was set for 8, but just in case that failed it didn't matter as my body was on stealth awake alert that night anyway. Come 9am and it's off to the binders. Then to uni. English department. Hand in time. WAAOOOOP!

So I hand it all in and that's all good. On duty is the absolute battleaxe of an English secretary, who for the last 4 years has never done anything but talk to you like you're a meagre piece of cow pat in a field full of caravans. She's one of those thoroughly annoying people who are no doubt extremely helpful towards the teaching staff, but will not make life easier for the students given that half the time we're a bunch of hungover, steaming piles of alcoholic mess.

Now maybe I'm underestimating the complexities of working as a secretary in a university office, and if I am then lordy hang me upside down from a tree by my converse or something. But this woman, even to the extreme of if you haven't stapled together your essays before bringing it to her, she'll scowl at you something rotten and give you a telling off. I remember the time I was feeling really smug because I'd printed off an essay in uni and had remembered to bring my stapler with me....then of course I got to the office and the bloody thing didn't have any staples in it. Surely she'd see the thought was there on my behalf, as I stood there waving the empty stapler in front of her by way of excuse, but no... 'rah rah rah should staple it yourself ner ner blah shizer'. Wordever, wench.

Friday I'm there, hand in, good riddance laydee...then I remember I haven't had last term's 4 essays and comments back yet, which were supposed to be returned to us in July. I enquire as to their whereabouts and discover that they're back but still need checking over by the course convener. Schweet. "So how do I get them back, because I'm going back to London today", ask I.

Battleaxe turns from her pile of important work. "You need to send us a stamped, addressed envelope..' (no Blue Peter) '...with enough postage to cover the costs of sending.'

I do a quick estimate. One large envelope needed to send another large envelope, postage to cover the weight of four, 10 page essays enclosed...the masters course costs £3,600...

"Blimey" say I. Battleaxe focuses her beady little eyes on me, daring me to challenge the Rules. "£3,600 for a one year course, and it doesn't cover the cost of sending me my essays that were supposed to be back in the summer?"

Battleaxe looks at me, incredulous. "Err, no. If we did it for you we'd have to do it for everyone"

(There are 8 people on my course, max)

"It just seems a bit strange, that's all. It's a lot of money to pay for a course...surely the university can use a couple of quid out of it to get my work to me?" Given that the university also has the money to send me crappo booklets, flyers and surveys every month.

Anyway so she continued to look at me like I'd just blasphemed against the God of all things Secretarial, huge pile of envelopes to her left I might add, until I realised my arguing was getting me nowhere and stomped off.

For those who reckon I'm the tight arse here...get out of town. The university is a bloody joke, they've got franking machines and could send that stuff to me without even thinking about it. As for having to send everyone elses; how many final year students do you think actually bother to get their essays back when they're at uni, let alone ask for them to be sent home. Not many.

With a whole 6 hours tuition a week, and nothing since May...I do wonder where exactly the fees have gone, if not even a few quid remains for an envelope or 2. I might unleash the wrath of My Mum on the phone to's not the money, it's the principal, you understand. And you know what, it pissed me off.


Ella Rice said...

It most definately is the principle! Judging by the immaculate condition the law department was in at my uni (it was all floral wallpaper, mahogany balustrades and leather sofas)i reckon they spent the fees on decorating.

Harriet said...

Damn them! But the only thing any university will every shell out money on is something that might promote them. Or as Ella so rightly said, make their campus prettier.

It's selfish, it's immoral and they're always going to do it! I say you get your mother to complain, they're a dab hand at scaring the wits out of anyone that annoys you. That's why I keep mine around anyway.
xxx xxx

Steph said...

Agreed. Unleash Mumzilla on their arses. They should have that shit fucking couriered right to your door!

AFC 30K said...

Ahhh, this brings back my days at Uni with fond memories.

I found our departmental secretaties were great. They were realy helpful. It was the lecturers that wer a pain in the ass. We were just objects that got in the way of their research. The only time they were nice to us was when we were doing our dissertations.

Stiletto said...

of course you'd be pissed off, I'm sure I would be if that happend to me. considering how many people give me hell at work everyday, when someone is bitchy to me I simply cannot shut up and would probably have unleashed the fury of me right away insted =P
but go with the mumzilla!!

AFC 30K said...

PS I managed to take a sap shot of a girl in Sainsbury's in Guildford on Sunday.

I must get round to emailing it!

Jo said...

ella - Hello, welcome. Now you come to mention it, there is something of a face lift going on in the english dept at the moment with scaffolding and the like..hmmm...

harriet - Its so true. I told my mum and she was like 'what? but they sent through this questionnaire the other day...'. Scoundrels.

Steph - I love it when my mum gets on the phone to people who are being arseholes. She unleashes the fury.

afc 30k - it's the other way around at ours. Lovely lecturers and tutors, secretaries absolute annoyances. And send over the picture! Send send send!

stilleto - I was careful not to piss them off too much seeing as I'd just handed my dissertation in...would be just my luck for it to go 'missing'...

Xavier Mir said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Marika said...

Congratulations on finishing your thesis! It looks be-yew-diful.

And yes, universities are stingy, but it sounds like you just got a horror mole for a departmental secretary!


Blog Template by - RSS icons by ComingUpForAir