Monday, 20 August 2007

I do I do I do I doooooooooo!

A small note re: my dog shit naughtiness described in my last post. I am a good dog owner. I always get my mum to clear up any mess on pavements usually, especially in light of previous rants. But on this occasion, I mentioned where the puppy had laid its brown gift and my mum patted him on the head and said 'Oh, good dog' so I feel I am exempt from a lecture from the Dog Poo Police. Anyway, on to an altogether more appetising subject.

On Saturday I went to a wedding, and aside from a live rendition of Shania Twain’s ‘You’ve Got A Way With Me’ that I’d really rather pretend didn’t happen, it was a good day. I don’t mind telling you that a little bit of wee may have come out when I saw the horse and carriage waiting at the end of the church drive ready to whisk bride and groom off to the reception. I clung to my boyfriend’s side and proclaimed ‘I WANT ONE OF THOSE’ over and over again, even though the horses were going mental because it was harvest time and these gargantuan tractors and lorries were all trying to squeeze past them on this tiny Yorkshire village lane. I thought, I wouldn’t mind all this. It’s not the h’actual wedding I want; it’s the new dress, shoes, pretty hair, horse and carriage and 24 hour attention being lavished on my every move. Faaantstic. I’d never been to a proper wedding before, registry offices don’t really count, do they…so this church wedding was a new experience for me. In truth, I’ve only ever seen them on TV, and in Eastenders they never get past the ‘if anyone has any reason why these two people shouldn’t get married’ bit without a fight breaking out; so to see the whole thing uninterrupted start to finish was a bit of a first really in my books.

Ohhh, and then there’s the free booze. 'Nuff said.

Urrrghhh...And then there’s your mum and dad dancing in that way all parents seem to dance regardless of alcohol consumption or music style; a generic, over 50’s sidestep with matching hand movements…and there’s about 5 couples on the dance floor and you think ‘That’s strange, where is everybody? There’s about 100 people in this marquee’…yes, and they’re all sitting at their tables looking at the dance floor with fixed smiles on their faces that seem to say ‘Thank god I’m not up there, pass the wine Fred’.

And then there’s always that moment where the song you really wanted to dance to fades into something obscure, and you dance for a few steps then everyone does this awkward shuffle back to their seats. I love watching people when that happens. No one wants to get caught dancing to I Westlife or something...

And then there’s that moment where the electricity goes and the music cuts off (shame), leaving the lovechild of Pavarotti and Vanessa Feltz standing there mid ‘My Heart Will Go On’ warble…and then her sidekick, whose earlier rendition of Nessun Dorma would have caused Paul Potts to shake in his boots starts up a crowd rousing cry of ‘Everybody! Weehhh- Ehhhh!...come on now…Ohhh-Oh!' and once again everybody’s just staring at them, with these fixed smiles that say ‘Fuck that for a laugh, what do you think this is – Butlins? Pass the wine, Fred’.

You know what though, it was a good day. It has made me muse a bit on the question of who weddings are actually for. No doubt the service is for the couple, that’s a given. But the rest? The free gifts, booze, music, food, speeches and formalities which will then be compared to the other weddings attended that year by the guests…when the bride’s standing there sighing because her feet ache, she can’t have a wee without being escorted to the disabled loos so someone can help her with the dress and she’s been up since 7 after getting to sleep at 5am...who’s it all for? Guests that will then compare it to the last wedding they went to? So for me, with it being my first – it was great. No bench marks, just seeing a girl I’ve known since I was tiny become a Missus. Best way, I reckon. Congratulations, shame about the weather. And the music, at times.

Disclaimer: I would like to state that the writer of this blog does not condone the use of any Shania Twain song, no matter how 'special' it may be to the couple, or how fitting the words may be to the occasion. It's Shania Twain for gods sake - don't encourage her or she'll release another song.


Miss Understood said...

I'll warn you when I'm about to post my rendition of "Man, I feel like a woman" on my blog...which I've been considering for some time now.

I do love a good wom... I mean wedding. Which is why I did it twice :)

the boy who likes to... said...

I have to admit, I'm already doing the "parent dance" despite the fact I am childless and still have have a decade of my 20's to go.

pink jellybaby said...

mememe i want it too - have to wait til the boy gets his finger out and hands over his credit card to the nice jewellery people though!

amillionpieces said...

Hey, I came here for knees :P

Jo said...

miss - do so at your own risk. I may indulge in a bit of shania - tribute - bashing live on your site. you have been warned!

the boy - oh dear god. poor PJB :(

Pjb - are you sure you want to do that? your man's just admitted to having worse moves than my parents...I'd re-think your relationship investment. or invest in dance classes before the big day ;)

amillion - sorry. no knees here. strictly underwraps.

Harriet said...

I have to say that I have a similar weird feeling creep up on me at baby christenings and the like... I'm not Christian so it isn't the service, it's the idea of having a baby to hold in a funny white dress and lots of people around, and the free booze afterwards.
I think people should get married more often so that we can have a chance to get drunk for free and dance stupidly to 90s dance hits!

London-Lass said...

Weddings! Pah!

They're stressful enough when you're just a guest and you have to spend a coupla months trying on 100s of dresses and wishing you'd never been born. Couldnt imagine what it'd be like to *actually* be the one getting married .. although have a feeling it could end up being a bit Eastender-y.

PS : Congrats to your mate :)

AFC 30K said...

Wifey and I's first dance was to a Shania Twain song. We only chose it as it was the easiest song to follow the steps of a basic Waltz too.

I was usless at the dance and Wifey had to do it backwards and in high heels.....

pink jellybaby said...

yes yes, parent dancing and all..... although i take your suggestion of dancing lessons and make a note! ;)


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