Monday, 9 July 2007

Going down in my estimations this week...

Sometimes friends can surprise you.

Friends can be devious, willing to drop everything for you, or not even friends at all. They can dump you right in the shit when they organise a sneaky birthday party with a grotesquely hideous stripper, or organise the best night you've ever had. Sometimes though, they can surprise you in a different way, and it's a surprise that creeps up on you rather than springing out from behind the curtains in a darkened room.

Friday night saw my mood go down along with the sun, as I sat in watching Big Brother and wondered what the hell I was still doing at uni when there was really only a couple of friends around who I like enough to spend my time with. There are other people I know around, but I've never been one to forge friendships out of convinience; I don't have the patience for it. I'd had another unsuccessful day in uni trying to find somewhere quiet to work. It culminated at about 5pm, when the bloke (foreigner, again) sitting across from me in the computer room (where I'd gone to escape a girl chomping loudly on her seemingly endless supply of crisps in the other study area) was listening to a speech / talk show / jingley annoyance on his computer, earphones pumping out at full volume. He looked at me as if I'd just spoke to him in Japanese when I asked him to turn it down and carried on regardless, so I thought 'Oh sod it, I'm going home'.

After the tv had entertained me sufficiently, I went upstairs to bed and felt really alone and like I just wanted to talk to someone, but I knew my boyfriend was out after work and drunk and I thought it was too late to ring up one of my home mates; with it being a Friday night it was likely they'd be out too. So I continued feeling rubbish, but was looking forward to Saturday night when me and Est and a couple of others were going to the pub, possibly a club or something afterwards and I'd have a really good night like last week.

As soon as I got round to Ests house after a 'wine at mine?' text, I kind of knew the night wasn't going to live up to my expectations. She answered the door in tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt, so I already felt a bit stupid having dressed up a little bit for the night, and lead me through to the living room where her and Gay Joe, a friend of her housemate, were sitting with a bottle of red wine watching Live Hypocrisy, sorry, I mean Live Earth. And so it went on, the three of us, wine, then err music and a small bit of singing to Spice Girls in honour of their reunion, the odd suggestion of 'lets go out!' (mainly by me), but overall my request for pub / club action fell on deaf ears.

In truth, around Est and Gay Joe, I felt invisible. I have always considered Est one of the best friends I've made at uni but I'm starting to question where I figure in her estimations, because as soon as someone else is around it's like I have to shout that extra bit louder or be that little bit funnier in order to be heard. I've noticed lately that the 'someone else' is usually male, but it's weird because Est isn't really the sort of girl who panders to men generally. So I'm sitting there trying to convince her to go out, then I conceded to the fact that if they can't be arsed then oh well, I tried...we'll just stay in and get wrecked. Then in comes the-boy-what-bought-my-hoody on his way back from a pub, and guess what? A load of his mates are at a house round the corner, are we coming?

To my surprise, Est says 'What you reckon?' and before I can utter 'Not keen for that', she's answered 'Yeah. Hang on, I'll go shove some jeans on'. I say 'I'm not overly fussed about going really, but I don't really have a choice do I? It's only round the corner from mine so I suppose I'll go home instead'. That suggestion was met with no resistance so I drop into the house, which is party to 2 absolute mongoloids on the sofa and well, us. To sum up, I stayed about 5 minutes then got Est to walk me home. And that was where my night ended.

My boyfriend once said of one of his friends that when you're with her and it's just the two of you, she'll make you feel like the most important person in the world and give you her undivided attention. Once you add other people into the mix though, people they might want to impress or come across a certain way to, you find yourself dropping into the background like an extra. That's a bit how I saw Est last night; someone who couldn't really care less whether I wanted to go to this house or not; or the fact that I wanted to be with friends and not a load of people I didn't know having to make small talk when I'm never going to see them again, that I'd rather have gone home than go to some randoms house and chat out of my arse for a couple of hours. Or the fact that we'd arranged this Saturday night last week, and now the night was being dictated by other people's plans.

On the way to my house I think I said it was a shame we didn't go out somewhere (memory is very hazy, by this point a bottle of wine has been consumed). 'But it would only have been the two of us and I'm not going to see Joe for ages after this'...Joe, by this point I may add, was passed out in bed before we even left Est's house. 'Would that have been so bad? You're not going to see me for ages after next week'...

And so it continued. I assured her I wasn't pissed off with her and she went back to the house probably completely unaffected by anything I'd said anyway. It surprised me that she hadn't cared whether I went home or stayed. Its left me feeling a bit bewildered and doubting how many friends actually consider me a friend in the same way as I see them - my guess is not many.

Anyway, I've realised there's not much point in staying here at uni, so I'm going back to London earlier than planned on Wednesday. Get thee back to normality, I say.


London-Lass said...

Your post reminded of my good mate, GM. But then she is highly strung in general with some sort of attention defectit disorder anyway... She, like your mate, will instantly become entranced with someone just for the very sake that they are `new'. Or male. Try getting her to come out now that she is ensconced with UB is an almost impossible battle. Usually I just let her get on with things .. but I did have a good talk with her once. And, surprisingly, she listened and changed her behaviour for a bit. Although now that UB's come along it's all back to square one again! Hey ho. Perhaps you might wanna have a heart to heart with your lassie and see where it gets you..?

Jo said...

It's almost too late in the day for a talk, she'll be off abroad after the summer. Maybe it's just a case of spending alot of time with someone who I don't usually spend nearly as much time with usually, so I notice small things more. In which case I'm happy to leave things and whinge to you lot :D


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