Wednesday, 21 March 2007

W**k TV, quite literally

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I got all ranty about having to watch Ben Fogle talk about animal shit while I was trying to eat my breakfast? Well last night I experienced the dinner equivalent.

Can someone please tell the broadcasting companies that the percentage of the population who aren't interested in bestiality or being a vet don't want to see up the rear end of an elephant?

So I sat down in front of the TV with my spaghetti bolognaise and in walks my housemate. Now at this point I'm all set to watch Ulrika Jonsson talk to Channel 4 about how she's addicted to sex (maybe there's hope of discovering the appeal of Sven 'old man' Eriksson, maybe it's the double 's' thing), but she's all 'Ooh are you wanting to watch anything? Or can we watch Horizons, I always watch it and it's about how they're saving the elephants..' or something. So even though I'm wanting to watch Ulrika, I do the polite and very British thing of saying 'Oh no, of course not, I'm not bothered. There's nothing I want to watch' (why do we do that?) and over we go to BBC 2.

Within ONE MINUTE of this program starting they were talking about how they need to help breeding along in elephants. Within TWO minutes, they were explaining how this is done by hand, as in sperm from elephant across America and into female elephant. Within THREE minutes, the zoo keeper was sticking his hand up the elephants arse and massaging away with furious speed. At FIVE minutes into the programme, I'd watched an elephant having having a bum wank.

All while I'm trying to eat my spag bol and I was like 'UURRGHHH' thinking 'COME ON, LOVE, I'm TRYING to eat here...' alas, the channel did not change. Instead, my housemate quipped "Oooh, this is a nice thing to watch while you're eating your dinner isn't it! He he!"

I left the room just as they were getting acquainted with the receiver of their produce. Nature is a wonderful thing and I'm glad we can help extinction by doing this. But I do not need to see inside the minge, or arse, of an elephant.

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